Have I blogged about this before? I'm not sure really, so here goes.
Given everything that has happened to me since August 10th 2006, it is easy to slip into a negative frame of mind. It is too easy to allow myself to become a victim, and to blame everything that goes wrong in my life on the fact that at the age of 30 I became a widow completely out of the blue. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, working on being more positive about my life and things in it. Some days it is harder than others, but it is never a possibility to give up.
Every day of my life, I wish that Nigel was still here, wish that he could see Alex learning to read her first words, wish that he could see Sophie waking up, finding that the tooth fairy had been, and skipping delightedly all over the house. He has missed so many things, but equally he saw so much before he died.
He was there when both girls were born, cheering me on, even when I was exhausted and in agony. He was there when both girls took their first steps. He was there through thick and thin when they were babies. He was there when we took both girls on their first foreign holidays, both to Alvor where ultimately we would say goodbye to him.
Since losing Nigel, there have been many firsts, and there will be many more in the years to come. So focus on the positive I will.
I am glad Nigel felt no pain on the night he died. My GP and also the consultant cardiologist at LGI have reassured me that he felt nothing. He went back to sleep that night at 1.10am and never felt anything more.
I am glad that our girls slept through the events of that night, that they didn't see the paramedics working on their daddy, the mortuary men taking him away in what I hope to be the only black body bag I ever lay eyes on.
I am glad that Nigel made it home so soon, even though we were expecting him to take much longer than the eight days it took for all the paperwork to be completed.
I am glad that over 300 people thought so much of my husband that they came to pay their respects at his funeral.
I am glad that my girls have coped well with losing their father. How do I know this? The girls had some sessions with the Leeds Sad Events Team, Louise in fact, and she was very complimentary about how grounded they both are, and how comfortable they are with talking about Nigel.
I am glad that we didn't have to move from this house. We moved here when I was 11 weeks pregnant with Sophie, and watched it being built before then. It is our home, and I want it to stay that way. Yes, I have to budget carefully, but it is worth it. There are so many happy memories here.
Most of all, I am glad to have known Nigel, to have loved Nigel, to have married Nigel, and that he was the father of our children.
I wish he was still here, but even with wishing as hard as I can on that lucky star, dreams don't always come true.
So for now, I'm keeping going at remembering the good times, and holding so many memories close to my heart.