Monday, January 29, 2007

My Journey Journal

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I made this journal to document my Lighterlife journey. Only just finished the cover, it is a gorgeous Pink Pig spiral bound book which Lana and Mimsie gave me for Christmas (thanks girls). I am recording lots of things in it about my way forward with LL. Already I am 17 pounds lighter so I feel very positive about the whole thing.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Tonight I feel a bit pathetic

Got a pain in my leg, a rather large one in fact. Enough to make me cry :(
No idea what is causing it so I will be off to see Dr Robinson this week methinks.
Sympathetic comments please.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Trip trap

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Well I've jumped on the bandwagon and got me a trollbead bracelet. I went up to Newcastle on my own this morning to this lovely shop in Jesmond. I chose 3 beads for a start, a silver lucky dragon, a glass bead with silver leaf and turquoise bobbles, and a stone and silver one called wisdom.
It really is very beautiful and I am so glad I went up there and chose it in person.

Some good news.... last night I booked a holiday to Menorca for the girls, my parents and me at May half term. Yippee! Last time we went there I was 17, so we'll see how much it has changed.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

First stone gone...

Just been for my weigh in and I've lost another 5.9 lb, so my first stone has gone hooray!

I am feeling more positive this evening, especially after going to Lighterlife.

Tomorrow the new playhouse arrives, and then after school we are going to my parents' as they are taking Sophie to the ballet on Saturday.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

I've been thinking

Yesterday I found myself thinking that I would give Nigel a ring at work during my lunch hour to see how he was doing.
That stopped me with a jolt.
If only I could give him a ring, speak to him one more time. Even if it was only to say 'Goodbye, I love you.'

The girls have kept me busy while I have been feeling a bit off colour. Alex threw the world's biggest wobbly today at Sarah's. She freaked out completely over having to take her fairy outfit off to eat her tea. No idea why she reacted so badly, but it was the worst I have ever seen her. Sophie is her usual busy self, loving her drawing and reading. She is doing so well with her gymnastics on a Wednesday. Alex loves to watch her too which is great.

Anyway, without my two girls then I think I would be deep in the depths of despair just now.

Monday, January 22, 2007

It's times like this

that make me feel so very alone.

I am really not feeling very well today. I have viral tonsilitis still and thrush in my mouth. Now I have added a cough to the equation. Looking after the girls this evening was hard work, especially as Alex is still awake now and lying in bed next to me. At the weekend my parents were here and took the girls off on Sunday morning while I had a rest.

Nigel was not always very sympathetic when I was poorly in the past, but if I was really ill I could count on him to help me with the girls. I also miss someone to sit with me in the evenings. But let's face it, there's nothing I can do to change things, is there.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

I've been tagged!

By the lovely Gemma it seems.

So I have to give 5 facts about myself.

Going along the lines of Gemma's answers, here goes.

1. I met Nigel when I worked for him at the Old Bar at Leeds University Union. He got married for the first time just before I started working there. Obviously there was nothing at all between us then, I just admired from afar. When he seperated from his first wife I was overjoyed when things started up for us during my final year of my music degree. We got married on 29th July 2000 at the church where I was christened as a baby. It was a fantastic day. We had 6 years as Mr and Mrs Head, lots of great times, some not so great, but that's what life is about. Since Nigel died, I often find myself thinking back over the happy memories. One which springs to mind just now is our ski trip in December 2000 to Bulgaria. We had a fantastic holiday, and Nigel really enjoyed learning to ski, even if he did perfect the art of ski-ing backwards off cliffs.....

2. I am very fortunate to have two beautiful daughters, Sophie Alice and Alexandra Juliet. Nigel chose Sophie's name, giving credit to two sources, Sophie Marceau and the McCain oven chip advert. Do you remember the one with two little welsh girls on the bus home. The eldest says, "Sophie, who do you love best, Daddy or chips?"
All the way home, Sophie is chanting, "Daddy or chips, Daddy or chips?" When they are home and eating their tea, her daddy pinches a chip from her plate. She turns to her sister and exclaims, "Chiiiiiiiiiiiiips!"
Alice was my birth name before being adopted, so we wanted to pass that name on to Sophie.
I chose Alex's name. It was partly after my very good friend from Durham who is also Alexandra, and also because I had chosen the name Alexander for Sophie if she had been a boy. I decided that I liked the name so much that I wanted the female version if our second child was a girl, which she was! Juliet is my other middle name, chosen by my parents to balance out Anna and Alice, as together they sounded odd. Alexandra Juliet is a classy name, well I think so!

3.When I was 12 I appeared on 'Going Live!' with the National Children's Orchestra. They came and filmed us during our residential course at Worksop College in the Easter holidays. I did appear on screen while the camera panned across the orchestra, and also playing rounders during recreation in the afternoon. Telly superstar, me!

4. I have been in hospital in several different countries. Let's count:
Portugal, France, Germany, Italy, USA, Belgium.
Far too many! Portugal was when I had campylobacter food poisoning, France was when I fell when ski-ing and popped my cruciate ligament, Germany I had an asthma attack, Italy was the same, USA I had a chest infection which they thought was turning into pneumonia, and Belgium was when I had a massive muscle spasm in my neck and shoulder.

5. I breastfed Alex for 16 months. Not a huge amount of time compared to some people, but as I only managed 7 weeks with Sophie, it was a huge achievement. I felt I wanted to feed Alex successfully as I was pressured into giving up feeding with Sophie, maybe not intentionally, but still I gave up before I really wanted to. So Alex and I had 16 months of feeding, and I enjoyed it all. There were times when it was hard, and in the end I had to give up due to thrush. It had got into my milk ducts and it became excrutiatingly painful to feed. Alex had thrush on her bottom permanently, and regularly had big raw patches because of the infection. As soon as I stopped feeding, the thrush went for both of us. I do wish I could have kept going for longer, but hey ho, I did manage 16 months which is pretty good I think! I am pro breastfeeding, but would never question anyone's decision about feeding. The one thing which does make me feel sad is when people don't even give it a try. Even a week's worth of breastfeeding is beneficial, and even a couple of days of colostrum is better than none at all. There you go, that's my opinion on breastfeeding!

Well there you are, five things about me. Hopefully I haven't bored you rigid! I am writing this sat in bed as the girls have gone out to the Yorkshire Sculpture Park with my mum and dad as I am not feeling great. The tonsilitis is still ongoing, as is the oral thrush. I had a good sleep last night so things are looking up.

On the diet front, things are going well! I lost 11.4 lb in my first week, so I am hoping to lose another 3lb this week to make my first stone. I am not hungry at all, and I definitely slosh when I move. Drinking 4 litres of water a day is hard work, but the food packs are going down with minimum effort. I was allowed to have bars this week, and my favourite is definitely the toffee one. The consistency is along the lines of gooey playdoh, but they taste alright. Here's to hitting that first stone lost on Thursday!

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Playhouse shopping

Today we went to Strikes to order the new playhouse. We chose this model:
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The girls are delighted with it, and they will be over the moon when it arrives on Friday. The base is exactly the right size for it, so there will be many happy hours spent in the garden I am sure.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Long time no blog

Been a busy week this week. My life seems to be completely non stop just now.

My garden is done, the concrete is drying and tomorrow I will order the girls' new playhouse. The garden looks amazing. It is very muddy just now but soon it will look lovely.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Time for a mud bath

Well, at least that's what my garden will look like tomorrow as work is starting on the paving! Hooray, soon the garden will be on its way to being how I want it to be so we can use it more often. Jason and co are laying a concrete base tomorrow for the new playhouse which I will hopefully order on Saturday. Then he is adding to the paving that I already have down to make the garden accessible to the girls when the lawn is wet. The bigger playhouse will also mean Sophie and Alex can play in there together as our current playhouse is too small for them both.
Once the paving is done, Mary is going to help me put some new plants in to make the garden a lovely place to be.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Watch and think

I found this
Watch it and consider what it means.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Not so long ago

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Taken in the Clarendon Wing at LGI after Alex was born. Alex was only a couple of days old here. Just love this picture, the closeness of the three of us. It is of course now rather poignant, as the unit of 3 is our family.

Good news today, I went to be weighed and already I have lost 5.9 lb! I am very happy, and to be honest the diet is not that difficult. I know what I have to do and it is worth it.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Been scrapbooking at last!

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The first is of me and my friend and colleague Janet, dressing up on Famous People day at school last year. What a laugh we had that day!
The second is of my girls and Erin meeting Santa at Chester Zoo. Another good day!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Shake, rattle and roll!

or maybe that should be slosh!
I went to my first Lighterlife session tonight, and have all my packs ready to start in the morning. I know the first few days will not be good, but I have an image of myself in a few weeks time which is keeping me focussed. I am planning on doing plenty of scrapping over the weekend to keep my mind off the lack of food. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Another month has gone by

Five months today since Nigel died. A year ago last Monday since Mark died.
Time is running away with me. Just now I am really feeling a gap in my life. Last night when I fell, I wanted someone to be there to pick me up, to sweep up the smashed plate, to make me a fresh sandwich, to hug me and tell me I am ok. Life as a lone parent isn't so hard, its tricky and I do have to have things in a routine. But the enormity of decision making on my own, being fully responsible for the girls, that's the scariest part of my life. I love the girls, they are my life. Every time I look at them I see Nigel looking back at me. I'm doing my best with them, I know I'm not perfect, but I think we're doing ok. Tiredness is still a factor. I feel as if I could sleep for a week and more, but with Sophie and Alex in tow, that's not possible!
Anyway, enough of my waffle. I miss Nigel very much tonight.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007


Fell flat on my face this evening. I was coming out of the kitchen carrying a sarnie on a plate, when I tripped over the dustpan and brush.
Face down on the hall floor, landing on my elbows. Shattered crockery all down the hall!
I am feeling very sore now, and had a sob to myself because I had no-one there to moan to. So sympathy please!

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Emergency doctor here we come....

Had to take Alex to the emergency doc this evening as her ear is just getting worse. Still oozing far too much, and the skin round her ear is horribly sore too. She now has a new batch of antibiotics, ear drops and an anti biotic cream for the sore skin. Bless her, she is not in a good way. She is sleeping now, so I am hoping for a more settled night tonight!

Time keeps on ticking

We had a lovely day yesterday with Jan and Jess over in Clitheroe, tinged with sadness as we talked about Maude. Jan's son is flying out to France tomorrow for the funeral on Tuesday morning. My heart will be with Nola at that time.

Have spent today doing mundane household things. The house gets so untidy, mainly because I am the only one tidying up these days! After a while I get very fed up of it all, and so it descends into chaos. Well after this week I have two reasons to keep it tidier, Ann my lovely cleaner comes on a Monday, and then Mary is looking after the girls for me on a Thursday while I go to Lighterlife. I have to be tidier, it's hard, but I have to keep up with it. Sophie is getting better at tidying up, but still drops things where she finds them more often than not. Ah well, must keep going so adios for now!

Friday, January 05, 2007

The wheels are in motion!

Getting started with sorting the house out to be how I want it....
I have spolen to Trussloft to get a date for starting the loft extension.
I have had the garden measured ready to be paved for the new playhouse, and also make it more useable during inclement weather.
I have started a list of what I want to do to each room. Not every room needs something, but the things I want to do are on the list!
I need a recommendation for fitted wardrobes, so if you have had any done recently, and they are good, leave me a comment to tell me which company you used.
I need to source some lighting too. I really don't have many lights in the house other than the ceiling lights, and I often feel they are too harsh. Think I will go and have a browse at Ring, many bargains there I believe!

Today I took Nigel's big, heavy petrol lawnmower to the lawnmower man in Farnley. I can't handle it, so I want to see that one and get a lighter electric model. I'm not much of a gardener but I am keen to learn. I want to plant an apple tree for Nigel, somewhere in the garden. Not sure where, as the back fence is out because of the leylandii behind. Horrid things.

Other than that, not a bad day. Had lunch with friends at Pizza Hut, had the buffet mmmmm. Alex's ear is still running like a tap, but she is taking the anti biotics so it should start to clear up soon. Tomorrow we are off to Clitheroe to see JanH and family.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Life is so very harsh

I have just got home to discover that an online friend's little girl has died in her sleep aged two. Why we don't know just yet.
Life really does throw some hideous times at you. Just as you think life is picking up, it goes downhill so suddenly.

Sleep tight little one. Gggg, I am thinking of you and my heart goes out to you. It is so unfair. There is no explanation.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007


From Alex's ear to be precise. Yuck. Her first ear infection since having the grommets fitted. So no morning to myself today. Couldn't get her into the docs so we are going tomorrow afternoon.
Today has been spent sorting laundry, wiping gunge from Alex's ear, and doing general housework. Boring.
Back to work tomorrow. Ah well. Not long til the weekend!

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Sleep would be nice!

Last night I wondered why I bothered going to bed! Alex was up with hideous ear ache, and spent a couple of hours screaming. Then the rest of the night was spent tossing and turning with her grappling onto me.
She's asleep already, so I hope it lasts!
I have been playing with my new toy, a dock for my ipod. It is also a clock radio, but I have yet to work out how to use the alarm part of it! It is only a tiny little thing but the sound quality is fantastic.
I also had a tidy up in the lounge today. Have sorted through some of the toys. I still have loads to get through, but it is a bit tidier than it was. I need to find better storage for the playmobil, not found a solution as yet.
Sophie goes back to school tomorrow, and Alex is back at the childminder's. I have a day off in lieu, so I am planning a morning to myself. I need to put the Christmas decs back in the loft, and then I am going to go to the gym for a nice swim and jacuzzi session. Will try and fit in a supermarket shop too as the fridge is virtually empty. Then in the afternoon its time for gymnastics again with Alex first, then Sophie. Back to the busy times!

Monday, January 01, 2007

New Year, lots of plans

So much to do this year. I want to get the house exactly how Nigel and I wanted it, but couldn't do when he was here because we didn't have the funds. So later in the year I will be having a loft extension done, giving two more bedrooms and a toilet up there. Mum and dad will have one room as their base when they visit, and the other one, well I haven't quite decided yet! The third bedroom which the girls are currently in will become my scrap room! Hooray!
There are other bits and pieces that I want to do, get the hall and stairs decorated once the loft is done and stuff like that. The dining room will become a playroom for the girls and the dining table will take up residence in the conservatory.
So 2007 will be busy, but all in a good cause!

For me, well I am going to be more careful to have time for myself this year. On a Friday while Alex is at playschool, I am going to go swimming every week, I find it relaxing and need to have that time out. Before Christmas I was running around doing stuff, but now I need to relax a bit.

I also want to get a Wednesday night crop going on a monthly basis. So if you live in Leeds and fancy coming along, leave me a message! I have room for up to 10 scrappers if I put the trestle table out in the lounge/conservatory.

On January 11th I am starting a radical diet. Lighterlife is complete meal replacement, and I have chatted to people who have seen fantastic results. I need to get to the weight I want to be and work hard at staying there, rather than stumbling along the way. So if you want to join me, leave me a message too!

Finally there's the monthly journal I suggested on UKScrappers. A journal of the year, which for me will be a set of positive memories of 2007. After last year, I need good things to look back on.

So here's to lots of good things in 2007, at home, with my diet, with scrapbooking!