Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Uphill struggle for a few days

Easy to get swallowed up at this time of year. Term has ended, which is always a relief for teachers everywhere. Today I was sad because a colleague I have worked with from the very beginning of my teaching career has taken a year's secondment. I will miss her very much, but the staffroom will be a little quieter without her brummie accent...

Now I am packing ready for a family trip to Devon. It will be nice to get away from it all, chill out by the pool, spend the day on the beach. I am hoping the weather will be kind to us. Sophie and Alex are looking forward to seeing their cousins, and spending more time with my bro and sis in law is always good. After that week away, we have a week at home followed by a our fortnight in Portugal.

I am feeling Nigel's absence more lately. I've posted about this, so I won't bore you with it again. It is so hard to explain to people who are not widows that feeling like this comes and goes in waves. It is very much like the tide. When the tide is in, and the waves are lashing against the shore, I am feeling swamped, feeling like being washed out to sea away from all this would be a good idea. Not to die, just to move away from where everything is so complex.
Then when the tide is out, I feel calmer, I still miss Nigel but it is not weighing down on me as if I am sinking under the weight. At times like that, I may not be as open with talking about Nigel. It doesn't mean I have forgotten him or miss him any less, I just feel that the enormity of his loss is being borne in a more manageable way. I can honestly say, that in the 713 days since Nigel died, there has not been a day when I have not thought about him. Some days happy, some days not so happy.

I think a happy medium would be when the tide is midway between high tide and low tide. Nigel is always with me in my thoughts, never will that part go away, and I don't want it to. Plus he looks back at me through the eyes of the girls, every time they look at me.

So if you are missing Nigel too, make time to come and see us. Make time to see how his girls are growing, how delightful they are even when they drive me to distraction! Pop in for a coffee, just give us a ring. We're around more often than not. Weekends my parents are here usually, have been since Nigel died, amazing support for which I am so very very grateful.

So to finish this post, I say goodnight.

Gotta love the Sound of Music :D


Audrey said...

Hi Anna - just noticed your post on CS. I'll keep an eye out for the mag. Glad to hear you are doing well, and I think its great you can be so open about your feelings.

Big hugs to you and the girls.

Clair and Sharni said...

{{{HUGS}}} from us too!..will be thinking of you on the 29th..be strong xxx

Hullabaloo said...

Just popping by to say Hello! thank you for your kind offers when I was dress hunting!! Hope you are having a lovely time in Devon and making the most of your break. I am sorry to hear you are feeling particularly low at the moment. If yo ever fancy a chat please get in touch.