Paramedics R Us

Strange day today.
I had a bad headache when I got up and so took some paracetamol. During the day the temperature in my classroom rose and rose, and when the children went into assembly it peaked at 28 degrees. I was starting to feel really odd, and so sent my TA to get a first aider. When she was out I collapsed, and when someone came back I was laid out on the floor.
It took 25 minutes apparently to bring me round. When the paramedics arrived, they brought me round, sat me up and rang a full set of tests. My blood sugar was a bit low, but everything else was fine. The move to hospital was at my discretion, and so I decided to go home and rest.
I am booked in at the docs in the morning, so the wisdom tooth extraction is off for now. And now it's time to sleep.

The weekend is over...

phew.
Been a busy one but I have felt very very happy with my lot this weekend. The girls have enjoyed playing in the garden, and I managed to get a night out in last night. It was so great to go out and relax, and also enjoy adult conversation for a change!
Still very tired, but that seems to be my remitt just now. I am going into hospital on Tuesday to have a crumbled wisdom tooth removed under general anaesthetic. I hate going to the dentist, and decided that having a general was a good way to avoid all the tugging and crunching which this will involve. Plus I get to sleep lots to get over the anaesthetic!
So wish me well please, and I will gladly pass on some of my happy mood.

Attention....

Well my weight loss is bringing me something new.... attention from men! Something I am definitely not used to. Not that I am looking for someone new, but is is flattering when men attempt to chat you up!

London was interesting... the trip did not run as smoothly this time due to errors made by the tour operator. We very nearly did not have tickets to see the Lion King, but fortunately it was rectified. The coach was a nightmare, never has it taken so long to do the journey we made. Nightmare. The kids enjoyed it tho!

I am so very tired, time to sleep. No crafting of course, but soon I hope.

Weekend Whirlwind

Started well with a visit from Becky, the mobile beautician. I had a pedicure, then while Lynne and Collette had theirs done I started on a Lippy Chick Flap book. Gorgeous to work with.

Saturday was both good and bad. We went down to Sheffield to my friend Claire's house. I went to a virgin vie party while Sophie went to the park with Claire's daughter and husband amongst others. Alex sat on my knee and grizzled as she is poorly.

I enjoyed the afternoon very much, but it did point out to me once again how much my girls are missing out on. I felt sad that Sophie wasn't going to the park with her daddy. It was hard because Alex was poorly, and I feel so alone when either of the girls is like that.

Today I went over to a WAY coffee morning at Sharon's house. Met lots of other members. The girls played with the other children, although Alex was still grumpy. Now my parents are here as I am off to London with year 5 on Tuesday.

Enough for now.

A Million Times

You never said I'm leaving
You never said good-bye
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knew why

A million times we've needed you,
A million times we've cried.
If love alone could've saved you,
You never would have died.

In life we loved you dearly,
In death we love you still.
In our hearts you hold a place,
No one else will ever fill.

It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you didn't go alone.
Part of us went with you,
The day God took you home.

Author unknown

Low Point Reached

Today was a bad day. A truly bad day.

This week at school has been Science Week. Today a theatre company arrived to perform a show about cholesterol and healthy eating to the children. The staff were seated around the edge of the hall.

All was going well until the storyline shifted to how if you eat an unhealthy diet and don't exercise, you WILL have a heart attack. The actors went on to explain what happens when you have a heart attack.

At this point I started to feel physically sick. Very sick. SO hideous I had to leave the hall. My headteacher had realised how much the performance was upsetting me, and told me to leave if I needed to. I think if I had stayed for the full explanation, I would have been sick in the hall.

Was it really necessary for this performance to include details of what happens to you when you have a heart attack? The children in the hall were between 5 and 11 years old. I know the 'in' thing is healthy eating and all that, but is it not a little extreme to give an explanation, albeit a fun one, of what happens when you have a heart attack?

I have felt quite ill for the rest of today. Not a good day at all.

From foundation to development

That's the first part of Lighterlife complete. I have finished foundation and now I move into development. More of the same, but I can go into management when I get to the weight I want to be. I don't feel worried about starting to reintroduce food when I get to management, I see it more as making sure I make the right choices and keep myself healthy for my girls. 2 stone 9 pounds to get to the weight I want to be....

Had the parents' meeting tonight for the Year 5 London visit, all went fairly smoothly. I am so excited to be seeing the Lion King again. It will be strange to leave the girls with my parents. Last year I left them with Nigel, his first and last time alone with them overnight.

The monumental masons are going to sort the headstone. I just hope no-one pushes it over before it is done.

Wibble Wobble

Nigel's headstone is wobbling. I can't believe it is like that already. Time to get in touch with Robson and Ellis tomorrow and get it sorted.

Life is hectic again, back to work tomorrow. I have really enjoyed these days at home with the girls. Sometimes I want to scream as it is mad, but mostly it has been good. I have spent time gardening and actually started to enjoy it. How bizarre.

Anyway, onwards and upwards. Only 6 weeks til half term....

Stairway to heaven....

The staircase up to the loft is in and it is looking fantastic. All of a sudden it seems to have come on an awful lot, which is great. I am hoping the windows will go in soon, then the loft will be much lighter.

It is good to be home again. I enjoyed our stay in Ireland very much, and Cliona was a fantastic host. But I am a homebird so coming home always feels good. On the way to Galway on Tuesday we stopped off in Knock, an important shrine to catholics. WHen Nigel died, a friend in Ireland sent a card to say that mass had been said for him there. As a non catholic, I didn't even know this was what happened when someone died. Nigel had mass said for him in 4 if not 5 churches, in Ireland and here in England.

I've also been gardening. The girls played out there this afternoon, along with Mike and Mary's grandsons, and so I tackled a bit of digging, with Mary's guidance. I want to plant an apple tree in the garden soon. I am undecided about a plaque, as the tree would be a memory tree for Nigel.

Time to sleep. Tomorrow will be busy, loads to do and so little time.

Important Dates all round...

Today would have been Nigel's dad Sydney's birthday. He died nearly 15 years ago so I never met him, and of course he never met the girls either.

And then of course tomorrow it is the 10th of the month. Which means another month has passed since Nigel died. Again I can't believe time has passed so quickly again. 8 whole months.

My aim is to have got through all the big changes in my life by the time the first anniversary arrives. So I want the redecoration of the house done, the loft, rooms moved round and all that. I essentially want to start from 10th August 2007 as a fresh approach. I am certainly aiming to be at target weight wise, and into management, where foods are reintroduced one by one. Then it will be a good time for the girls and I to continue as a family of three, enjoying so many things together.

I am going on now... apologies if I am boring you.

There has been one question at the front of my mind over Easter. Why did it have to be Nigel? I know there is no logic. No reason. Nothing that he or I did. I don't feel angry about the fact that he is gone, just deeply saddened that I am now bringing up our daughters without their father.

When we got married, it was until death do us part; I just never realised we would part so soon.

Greetings from the Emerald Isle!

Well we made it through passport control without any need for a passport for either girl, which was great! The flight from Leeds to Galway was smooth, and the building at Galway made Leeds look like Gatwick in comparison. They didn't even look at my passport as I came into Ireland.

It was very odd to be back at Leeds as the last time was when we were on our way to Portugal (in departures anyway). As usual we went straight up to the play area on the first floor, which choked me at first. I could almost picture how it was last time, when we had no idea of what lay ahead in a matter of days. It was a Sunday afternoon, and we had been to Burger King for lunch before being dropped at the airport by Mike and Mary. While the girls played, Nigel and I drank coffee and chatted about what we wanted to do once we were on holiday.

None of the plans came off, as we had planned to go to Slide and Splash on the Thursday once mum and dad had arrived and settled in. We were also going to go out, just the two of us, for a meal on the Saturday night, as we hadn't made it out on our wedding anniversary the previous week.

The one thing we did do was go to Casa da Rio, our favourite restaruant in Alvor, on the evening before Nigel died. There we shared a cataplana, a traditional algarvian dish of seafood, local sausages and tomatoes. At least Nigel's last meal was his favourite dish.

Anyway, not too many sad moments for now. We are having fun here at Cliona's, and the weather is superb. Will try and check in again soon. Sign in and say hello if you are reading...

Will we or won't we?

Later today we are due to go to Ireland to visit my friend Cliona. The trip may well be off as I have made a boo boo. Sophie's passport has expired. Different sources say different things about whether or not she needs a passport to travel.
I am going to risk it. Please keep your fingers crossed for me and the girls.

How You Can Help Me

This was published in the WAY newsletter in February. It explains things so well.


Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more
comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk
about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get
comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know
when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You
can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid
to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I
most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come
over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You
can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you
to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I
feel only if you really have time to find out.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel
that you don't see me.

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm
grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after
my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For
I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was
with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our
children grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the
hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled
and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my
loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and
love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be,
and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear.
Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has
happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just
not acceptable.

When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and
alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't
make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.

Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start
dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides,
what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes
after will always be someone different.

I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get
on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on
many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think
it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So
please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and
support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget
and there will always be times that I cry.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your
hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need
to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in
my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you
because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could
do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you
some ideas:

(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the
anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't
make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the
opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach
out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I
may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me
because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up
then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples,
to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the
same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely.
Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel
deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm
experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't
be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to
slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't
tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my
life. What I need now is time to grieve.

Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank
you for praying for me.

And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need
me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be
with you.

There's a hole in my roof....

well 2 holes to be precise, although this photo only shows one of them. The loft conversion has started, and the steel girders which will support the new floor are now in place. The holes in the roof will be sealed up temporarily, and so the house will be watertight again.
The crane which lifted the girders into place has just departed, but there are still 4 Trussloft vans here! The dust is starting to gather but I don't care!

It is a special day today.... Alex, my youngest daughter, is 3 years old today. I can't believe that she is 3 already. Time has flown by. I am experiencing mixed emotions about it as I wish more than anything that Nigel was here to celebrate with us.

Firsts

There have been so many first times for me since Nigel died. This weekend I mowed the lawn for the first time. Before it had always been Nigel's job to cut the grass. I sold his lawnmower as it was far too big for me to handle, and Mike and Mary very kindly got me a lightweight electric mower a couple of weeks ago. My dad made an attempt to put it together yesterday, so once I had built it up, I decided to strike while the iron was hot and cut the lawn too. Fortunately it didn't take too long, and I feel better for having done it.
Today it was ALex's birthday party. It is actually her birthday tomorrow so once that is over with we will have got through all the family birthdays, immediate family anyway. Only Father's Day to face and then our Wedding Anniversary, just before the anniversary of his death.
So it is April. ALready the months are flashing by. On Friday we are off to Ireland to visit my friend Cliona and her family. Her youngest two children are the same age as Sophie and ALex so we will have a ball. Nice and relaxing no doubt. All I need to do is get some euros and book a car parking spot for Friday. ANd off we go.