There's a hole in my roof....

well 2 holes to be precise, although this photo only shows one of them. The loft conversion has started, and the steel girders which will support the new floor are now in place. The holes in the roof will be sealed up temporarily, and so the house will be watertight again.
The crane which lifted the girders into place has just departed, but there are still 4 Trussloft vans here! The dust is starting to gather but I don't care!

It is a special day today.... Alex, my youngest daughter, is 3 years old today. I can't believe that she is 3 already. Time has flown by. I am experiencing mixed emotions about it as I wish more than anything that Nigel was here to celebrate with us.

Firsts

There have been so many first times for me since Nigel died. This weekend I mowed the lawn for the first time. Before it had always been Nigel's job to cut the grass. I sold his lawnmower as it was far too big for me to handle, and Mike and Mary very kindly got me a lightweight electric mower a couple of weeks ago. My dad made an attempt to put it together yesterday, so once I had built it up, I decided to strike while the iron was hot and cut the lawn too. Fortunately it didn't take too long, and I feel better for having done it.
Today it was ALex's birthday party. It is actually her birthday tomorrow so once that is over with we will have got through all the family birthdays, immediate family anyway. Only Father's Day to face and then our Wedding Anniversary, just before the anniversary of his death.
So it is April. ALready the months are flashing by. On Friday we are off to Ireland to visit my friend Cliona and her family. Her youngest two children are the same age as Sophie and ALex so we will have a ball. Nice and relaxing no doubt. All I need to do is get some euros and book a car parking spot for Friday. ANd off we go.

Photos taken today...

Alex enjoying the garden, especially the playhouse!



The beautiful flowers in the planter I got for Mother's Day.



My little artist, Sophie.

Stop this taxation please

When Nigel died, I found that I was entitled to a benefit called Widowed Parent's Allowance (thanks JanH for pointing that out). This benefit is paid to wives/husbands to support children under school leaving age. It has been crucial for me, and I know there are plenty of peopl in a situation like mine who are not even aware they are entitled to claim it.
The government very cleverly decided to tax this, which is just plain ridiculous. There is now a petition against this, so PLEASE SIGN IT to try and end this money grabbing exercise by the government.

Link to the petition. Please click and sign.

I feel sad inside because my daddy died

So said Sophie to her teacher on Wednesday. That explains the huge tantrums and paddies I had from her that evening. Sophie is struggling so today I contacted Winston's Wish, a charity which deals with bereaved children. They have advised me on how to help Sophie understand what has happened.
When Sophie's teacher told me what she had said, I wanted to cry. I wanted to take away Sophie's pain. So now I have to work with her to try and ease this. No-one can take her pain away, but I am going to try my best to help her.

Four stone...

yes I've now lost FOUR stone. Four stone and one pound to be precise. I am so pleased!

In response to a comment...

Claudia left me a comment yesterday. I am presuming she works for Abel and Cole.

I did get a full refund, which was great. Shame I had to make a trip to the supermarket to get the fruit my girls love, but never mind.

I said I was thinking about switching because a few weeks ago I got home on the Monday to find no delivery from Abel and Cole. I rang the customer services number, and was told that the driver had reversed his van off a cliff. No-one had bothered to let me know this was the case, even though by this stage it was 6pm on the day of delivery. 'The delivery will be with you tomorrow' I was told. It got to 6pm the next day and still no delivery, so I rang and was told it was on it's way. Finally it turned up at 7.30pm, thankfully the driver himself was ok after his accident. But I was cross that at no point had Abel and Cole bothered to get in touch with me to let me know that my order wouldn't be delivered on the right day. I mentioned this when I rang yesterday, and the lady I spoke to was very surprised that no-one has contacted me.

I am sure this is a one off. The produce we have had from them so far has been superb, and the girls have loved eating it. I have ordered them some choccie bunnies for Easter, and also a pack of hot cross buns. I am looking forward to when I can eat it again and we can expand our delivery to include a wider range of fantastic organic produce. I am definitely converted, I won't be going back to supermarket fruit and veg.

So in all, lots of positives about Abel and Cole, just unfortunate that I have experienced 2 slip ups since I started getting deliveries. I would recommend them and I have convinced other friends to use them too. So if you are thinking about it, I would say go for it!

Busy Busy World

I feel like this most days, especially as the end of term is nearly upon us. I have so much to do and so little time to do it in. Tonight's task is marking literacy books and tidying up my maths planning. My maths set seem to have lost the ability to absorb any new topics this week.....


My fruit delivery from Abel and Cole has also gone missing, think the driver delivered it to the wrong address, and whoever received it has just kept it. Cheeky buggers! I am tempted to switch to Farmaround North, will give it another couple of weeks to see how it goes.

No time for crafting but hopefully I will do soon.

What is a fair test?

Been busy doing science today with my class. Working on understanding what a fair test is. Quite a tricky thing to understand, but I think some of my class have got it now.
I hate Mondays in that by the time we get home after a long day we are all exhausted. This morning was a bit easier as the girls slept til 7.20. I literally rolled them out of bed and into the car. Sophie had breakfast at Jennifer's, and Alex had it at Gaynor's. So I could get up without them mithering me and getting under my feet. Tomorrow will be different no doubt....
The lighter evening was good too, the girls went and played in the garden before coming in at 6.15 and wolfing down chicken casserole and rice. After a bit more time in the garden, it was bath time. Alex has gone to bed without a nappy tonight, I hope she doesn't wet the bed!!
Not long til the holidays, boy do I need it. I was horribly disappointed when the loft start date was put back a week, but hey, it's only a week. So many more important things to worry about.
Like why it is that I am even in this situation. Something I struggle to comprehend every single day of my life.

Good times!

This weekend has been good fun for us all. Friday evening set the scene, with Sophie enjoying her party, and me relaxing with Sarah. Then on Saturday I made it to the Papercrafts show in Harrogate. It was a bit disappointing, but I did pick up some nice stuff from Art from the Heart as usual. Also got a nice album to put all the portraits of the girls in. Then it was Mollie's party, complete with bouncy castle and impressive party bags/cups.
Mum and Dad went home on Saturday, which threw Sophie a bit, but she soon got over it. This morning we went bowling with WAY, and the girls loved it! Alex got a bit fed up in the middle, but she was hungry. Next time we go I will go armed with some snacks, as she was very upset because she wanted to eat more than sweeties. She did, however, go on to win the first game!
After bowling, Deborah and Thomas, TV stars from the Channel 4 documentary came back for lunch. Thomas adored our garden, and it was good to chat with Deborah. I hope they come back soon as it was very easy to talk to her, and the girls really enjoyed playing with Thomas. I also managed to introduce Thomas to a new food which brought back some happy memories of student life for Deborah. Amazing how a Chelsea bun can remind someone of happy days!
Alex is asleep next to me, I will transfer her into her own bed a bit later on. I am hoping they will both sleep a bit later in the morning, what with the clocks changing, giving me the chance to get up and sorted before getting them up and straight out of the house. It is Alex's last week with Gaynor this week, end of an era which is sad. But Alex is ready to move on to nursery so although I will be sorry to say goodbye, the time is right for Alex to change to nursery and going to Debbie's.
Enough of the waffle. Adios amigos.

Introducing Olivia Layout...

So I cut into my BG Blush papers and this is the result. Those papers are gorgeous, really gutted me to use them. I used these colours as they tied in with the colours of the sofa, and also the clothes Olivia and Sophie are wearing.

Had a power nap this afternoon which was nice. Then when Sophie and Jenn were at Ivy's party, Sarah and I nipped to Starbucks for coffee, followed by a spot of retail therapy at Gap and Boots. Also had a quick look at bikes in Toysrus for Sophie and Jenn as they are too big for the bikes they have.

Think I will have an early night tonight, will put a film on the telly and watch in bed. Have a good weekend everyone!

Half Way There!

I have been to Lighterlife this evening and I have now lost 52 lb!! That means I am halfway to my target weight, which has given me a fantastic lift mood wise! Parents' evenings are done with now for this year, which is good. Now I need to catch up on some sleep and feel a bit more relaxed about a lot of things. I have the Basic Grey Blush papers out on my scrap table, along with the pic of Olivia, so hopefully I will scrap that this weekend. I also have some CJ work to do. Plus a party and bowling with WAY which will be fun!

Why bother?

This week has left me wondering why I bother. Why? I put so much into everything and then it gets spat back at me. I am on the point of giving up on some things, they are not worth making myself ill over.

My friend Sasha had a baby boy yesterday. They knew his bowel was outside his abdomen, so they were prepared for him to be poorly. He was poorly yesterday and they were hoping he would be stable enough to have surgery in the afternoon. Please spare a thought for this wonderful little boy and his family.

Meet Olivia....

Here is the first time I held my niece Olivia on Sunday. What a beautiful little girl! Sophie was very taken with her but Alex wasn't bothered! An initial flash of green eyed monster, but after that she was more concerned with helping Sam unwrap his presents!!

After spending yesterday at home because of my throat, I went back to work today. Blimey those kids are playing up at the moment! No fun to be had there, that's for sure! Ah well.... only another week and a bit til the hols....

My own little Lime Green Bogie Girl!

Alex has a stinker of a cold, and whilst fiddling with my 400D earlier I snapped this one of her. That's a cracking bogie wedged up her nose there! Apologies to Kirsty....

And here are my new troll beads. The lighting isn't too good... need more time to get the hang of taking better pics!



Not been into work today as my voice is all croaky again. Generally feeling very tired too. As I am struggling to sleep properly I have been back to the docs, and hopefully this time I will get sorted.

Gorgeous Girls

Today I have made this mini book for Nigel's mum as a mother's day gift. The book is part of a project kit I got from Scrapagogo. I really enjoyed making it, and Nigel's mum was overjoyed with it. The book is a Maya Road chipboard book, Daisy D's papers and Bazzill cardstock. Then various blooms, brads and clips. The rub ons are Polar Bear Press I think. I did of course ink the edges within an inch of their lives, plus I used the beads from the kit to string from the binding. A great project.

I also gave my new camera a proper test drive today. I have been saving up since Nigel died to get a proper D-SLR camera so that I can take better photographs. These are the results so far. Only basic to start off with, but I am keen to learn how to get the most out of my lovely Canon EOS 400D!



















I hope you are having a good weekend. Leave me a comment, they have been a bit thin on the ground lately. Bye for now!

Life After Death

Last night I watched a documentary on Channel Four all about other members of WAY in West Yorkshire. It opened with a lady called Ruth talking about having a Nigel shaped gap in her life as her husband was also called Nigel. That in itself was hugely emotive, and I shed some tears while watching the programme. I am not as far on in my journey as the people in the programme, but I was able to understand all the emotions expressed. It really is so true that only people who have lost their partner truly understand how it all feels.

I was full of admiration for everyone featured. I have already spoken to Sharon and Deborah on the phone, and I am looking forward to meeting them soon. I hope Sophie and Alex will make some good friends their ages when we go to a WAY meet up. They don't know any children the same age who have lost their daddy. Lots of single parent families, but all through divorce. None through death.

Thank goodness for Fridays when it's my day off. I have to speak to the Nationwide today, I am currently feeling very pressured by their financial adviser and I am aiming to tell him that I am not happy with his approach. Wish me luck!

Time for some birthday present shopping

As it is now less than 3 weeks til Alex's birthday, it's time to get some present shopping done. We were in Habitat last Friday and she loved this teepee so I think we can get her that. It's not huge so can be used in the house easily.



I have my eye on various bits and pieces too, just need to decide which to get!

Had a good laugh at work this afternoon, once the kids had gone we had a cuppa in the staff room and laughed at various lewd comments, picked my mood up instantly. Tomorrow night is parents' evening so I am going to do some scrapbooking tonight. Try and relax a bit tonight I think. And get an early night, well earlier than last night as I was marking books til late. I have a CJ entry and want to do, get it all ready for first posting next Monday!

Support

Had a good weekend, ended nicely with a visit from Lisa, Lottie, Sarah and Gemma. I even cooked them a curry, while Gemma and I sat with our VLCD food packs. Not that difficult at all really.

The logo above is for the WAY foundation. I have mentioned it before, but in brief it is for people who are widowed under the age of 50. I have been chatting online with more members and the supportive atmosphere is amazing. No problem or worry is too much trouble. It really is a perfect example of 'a problem shared is a problem halved'

Scraplifting

No, it's not a crime as long as you ask permission from the person who created the original layout.
This is a scraplift of my team mate over on UKScrappers, the very talented Lana. She originally did this LO about her eldest daughter, Issy. Heather challenged us to scraplift someone's LO so I decided to go for this one. I have my eye on another LO by another team mate, so watch this space!



Grandad has a blood clot on his lung and a kidney infection. Not looking good. I hope grandma is managing ok with all this to cope with. Hopefully grandad will improve soon, but who knows.

Ouch

Took the girls to the dentist today for our check up. Sophie got a clean bill of health, Alex had a paddy and refused to open her mouth, and I have been referred to the dental hospital. I have had a hole in my last wisdom tooth for a few weeks, and so when my detist tried to x-ray it, a big chunk came off. He wanted to spray it to see if the nerve was live but I declined that one! Don't want to inflict any unnecessary pain on myself. Having the tooth out will be hideous enough thank you! The dentist, Andrei, was nice though, much better than the last one we had. He is polish and said that his english wasn't very good, but I thought he did very well. His manner with the girls was fab, even though Alex did have that paddy. She just didn't fancy flashing her gnashers at anyone today!

My grandad has taken a turn for the worse. He has an infection, not sure exactly where, but it isn't looking good. I hope that whatever happens, he doesn't suffer. Grandma is with him, so I hope things are resolved soon.

Photos of the Toddler Time CJ

Photos at last!





















Just gorgeous isn't it!

Love to scrap with friends

My friends Collette and Lynne came round last night and we nattered and scrapped. It was great to have some company in the evening, that's one of the things I miss most lately. Anyway, this photo was taken of me when I was between 2 and 3 I think. I must check with my mum on that one. I used Cherry Arte papers from the September Scrapagogo. I wasn't a subscriber then, and I happened to pick this up on the marketplace over on UKScrappers as it wasn't to the subscriber's taste. I have been meaning to use it for ages but finally got round to it last night!

And on a final note, go and check out my best bud's new venture, Anglesey Craft Supplies. Good luck Heather, I am so excited for you and am looking forward to having a go with some of your new stcok.

Me and My Teddy is back!

I started a CJ on UKS last year with other mums of toddlers. Mine was 'Me and My Teddy'. It's too late now to photograph them so I will try and do it tomorrow. I am delighted with the result, and Alex has loved looking through it. She has shown everyone who has come into the house since it arrived on Saturday.

Mum and dad have gone home. They are tired, not surprising given how much they have going on right now. Olivia still can't come home, grandad is not doing well, and then they are convinced I am not coping. I think they expect me to be Little Miss Perky Mood all the time, and I really don't feel like that all the time.

Tony, Jackie, Claire and Jennifer came round today too which was great. They are coming for a little tea party on Alex's birthday which will be lovely. Need to work out what to make for tea that day now!

Work tomorrow, year 6 are out on residential which will mean a quieter week, but still just as busy. Next week it is parents' evening round 1, so I have to make sure everything is marked and up to date. Will do some tomorrow after school as we haven't got a staff meeting because of Ingleborough. Tea for the girls on a Monday is nice and easy, they are usually happy with a sandwich! Plus the house is clean on Monday nights as my lovely cleaner has been.

So onwards and upwards. Here's hoping my mood stays stable this week, no wobbles like last week. Lots of things planned. Wonder how many of them will get done!

Adios for now, amigos!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh relax!!!

What an afternoon at the spa! I had a Swedish back, shoulder and neck massage and it was divine. Definitely worth it once in a while as a treat. It was fantastic to meet up with all my online friends again. Of course I was sorry not to go on for a meal at the noodle bar which I love, but next time we meet up at the Spa I will be able to join them. Coming home and trying on trousers which haven't fitted me for a year to find that they were too big made up for missing out on the meal.

I've been thinking about things again. I know quite a few people who have suffered devastating losses in their lives. I understand that feeling since Nigel died. But does that mean that the world owes me a living? That people should treat me differently, give me preferential treatment because of Nigel's death? Should I expect to behave how I like, say what I want, because after all, I have suffered such a terrible loss?

Well the answer is easy. No. There is no need for me to expect anything different from most things in life. Support from friends and family, yes, but letting me get away with making stupid statements and behaving badly? Never.

Anyway, enough of the ranting. My neice has a name, Olivia. Beatiful name but unfortunately I haven't seen her yet. She is still in SCBU in Manchester, currently poorly with various things. I don't know when she will be home, so spare her a prayer please.

Just popping in....

It's Friday, hooray! Busy day today as once I have dropped the girls off I am going for a hair cut, first one since October! This afternoon my lovely friend Cliona flies in from Dublin, so I am really excited about seeing her. Think it's a year since I saw her just about, which is far too long! Tomorrow we are off to the spa, and I have booked myself a massage too, so an afternoon of indulgence. Everyone else is off for a meal at my favourite noodle bar, so I am coming home at that point as obviously I can't do that yet. Hard, but worth it as so far I've lost 38.9 lb!

Looking for Mark Antony

Has anyone seen Mark Antony?
We had a fantastic Egyptian Day at school, raised some laughs with me looking like this! Lifted my spirits too which is good. Very tired now tho so I am off to bed shortly.

Sad is a place

Sad is a place
that is deep and dark
like the space
under the bed

Sad is a place
that is high and light
like the sky
above my head

When it is deep and dark
I don't dare go there

When it's high and light
I want to be thin air.

~Michael Rosen

This poem explains exactly how sad is. No matter what you are doing or where you are, sad is there. For me, sad is everywhere just now.

So who is Bo Bunny?

I have been scrapping this afternoon while the girls enjoyed a movie and some popcorn. I got the Scrapagogo kit out and had a bash. The papers are by Bo Bunny, so I am intruiged as to where the name comes from!



Mum and dad went over to see their new grand daughter today. They are popping back in on their way home to collect their things. Baby has not had a good night, her glucose is low, her oxygen levels dropped and she has a shadow on her heart. Not sure exactly what that means as yet, but please spare her a prayer, especially now that Lent has started.

Good News at last!

At 8pm this evening my sister in law gave birth to my niece! My brother rang with the news, she weighed in at 6lb 9oz. After a problematic pregnancy, I am so very glad she is here safely and that SIL is fine too. Not sure when I will get to see her, but hopefully soon. Nigel knew SIL was pregnant before he died, so hopefully he is looking down on this happiness too.

I have been a busy bee today, sorting out the mess that is my scrap room. It isn't there just yet but it is heaps better than it was! I have sorted through so much stuff, and relegated some to the girls' craft box. Hmm, maybe that means I have to actually do some crafting with them! I even managed to do a LO this evening, of a favourite photo of Sophie in the bath with Daniel, Joe and Lydia, several years ago now. As it shows them in the bath, I won't be sharing it but I am pleased with how it looks!

Mood wise I have felt better today. Still fairly teary, just keeps hitting me in waves. The girls went to the Sculpture Park with my parents, so it was good to have a break from them. I love them both to bits, but spending every minute of every day with them is so very wearing. Only a few more weeks til Easter...

Censorship

It seems that an Egyptian blogger has been jailed for expressing their own opinion. Hmm. Somehow I doubt I will end up in the same boat, nothing I say is interesting enough!
Anyway, I've been to Lighterlife this evening, and my total loss is now 34 lb yippee!!!! Feeling fantastic about that. I also had some help with the girls this evening which was better.
Now mum and dad are here, so I am going to be able to have some me time over the weekend. Time to get tidying that scraproom!

Amazing what a chat can do

Today I got my membership details through from WAY, an organisation for people under the age of 50 who have been widowed. I ended up chatting with Sharon, the local organiser. SHe lost her husband to a heart attack whilst he was on holiday too.
I feel as if a weight has been lifted. It was so good to talk things through with someone who knew exactly how I felt, understood everything I am going through. My lack of support from people who promised it hasn't changed, but I know now that it is what usually happens.
ANyway, I am off to bed now, try and get some sleep.
Thanks for reading.

For Peter

My friend Sarah's husband Peter is waiting for a heart transplant. Please watch this.

Photo and video editing at onetruemedia.com

Feel like I have hit the brick wall

I am so tired. Sorry to moan but I am so very tired. I am in need of a break but all the offers of help with the girls which came in when Nigel died have vanished into thin air. My life is an eternal whirlwind. It seems that unless I make an effort with people they don't want to know.

Can you tell that I am feeling spectacularly low tonight?

Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezing

The heating was broken at work today. When I arrived my classroom was 13 degrees. Blimey I was cold all day! The children are not coming in tomorrow morning, and hopefully the heating will be fixed by lunchtime so that the children can come in in the afternoon.
I had to give up on getting anything done this evening as Alex has been very grumpy. I think she is getting the last of her teeth, the biggies at the very back. She has a bit of a cough this evening, and I have her in bed with me. There are nights when it is just easier to do that than to get up and down all night.
I have a million and one layouts in my head waiting to be done. All I need is some time to myself.
If anyone fancies coming and giving me a hand with the girls, I think I am at the point just now where that would be greatly appreciated... I am heading for exhaustion....

Time waits for nobody

Blimey I have been busy this weekend. No visit from Jo as sadly her car is poorly :(
We spent yesterday afternoon with Belinda and the girls, which was ace. Then today we went to see Grandma Jean, then this afternoon Kristiina, my uni friend came for lunch.
In between all that I have been trying to get clutter under control. This house is doing my head in. So far I have cleared out several cupboards in the kitchen, the under stairs cupboard, and sorted through the box of Nigel's things from work.
So far so good but still there is so much stuff in this house. I just need the loft conversion to be done, so that I can get everything where it needs to be permanently!
I am in the middle of doing the risk assessments for the year 5 London visit, which is a mammoth task, definitely worth it tho!
So a busy few weeks coming up, even tho it is another short half term.
And before we know it, we will be off to Ballina to see Cliona and co!

It's time to Scrapagogo!

Received my February Scrapagogo kit yesterday. Wow, what a lot of beautiful papers in one box. And lots of other lovely things too. Already I am planning what to do with them, but between now and Monday I have plenty of other things to do.
I am joining a new CJ on UKScrappers as I have just got back my CJ of 2001 for Sophie. I thought I had better have a 2004 one for Alex, so fortunately lots of other scrappers were interested in joining in. Now my big dilemma is which papers to use to decorate the cover. Do I go for Blonde Moments, which I used for Sophie's journal, or BG Blush, or the gorgeous Bo Bunny papers which came in the Scrapagogo kit....
I also want to make a Flip book of the girls. I have plenty of photographs to choose from! I have 2 flip books so I am planning on making one for Jean's birthday. I haven't got time to finish it in time for her actual birthday, but I know she will be happy to wait.
I want to scrap tonight but alas I have books to mark, risk assessments to complete, planning to do.....

Woooooooohooooooooooooooo!

Went to Lighterlife last night to find that I have now lost 2 stone!! I am over the moon to have got there already, so here's to losing more weight in the next part of foundation!

Busy days craft wise this week. I have finally got my team CJs finished so today I will be posting them off. I really lost the desire to do them, which is a shame because I really enjoy CJs. Anyway, I've got that desire back now so there's no stopping me! Need to sort out that craft room tho, it's still a bombsite and needs to be put into order!

Last day of the holidays today. We've had a good week, but going back to work is always a wrench. Yesterday Alex passed her hearing test which was fantastic news. She failed her last one miserably, which resulted in her having her grommets fitted. She doesn't have perfect hearing, but scored well enough for them not to need to see her again. I just hope now that Alex's grommets stay put and don't fall out too soon! I am going to be referred back to LGI for my ENT stuff as I am fed up of Dewsbury giving me the run around. The sleep clinic said I didn't have any issues and so didn't want to see me, but ENT have different ideas and want me to do an overnight study. So how exactly do I do an overnighter in hospital then, especially as it isn't really necessary? Enough is enough so I'm off back to LGI to see Mr Knight. No doubt I will have to wait a fair while for my appointment, but that doesn't matter in the long run. At least I will be much slimmer by the time my appointment comes through, so I won't get the lecture on how losing weight will solve all my problems! I know losing weight will help a lot of things, but there's no need to preach to me about it over and over.

Valentine's has been and gone

Thank goodness for that. Today has been a funny one emotionally. Nigel was never much good at Valentine's Day, but we always went out together for a meal just afterwards. We wanted to avoid the crowds and the price hike of the day itself. So we would probably have been going out together this weekend if things were different. This year I partook of a caramel 'muffin' and a chocolate shake from the Maison Lighterlife. Hardly glamorous, but the end result will be worth it.
Regardless of how good or bad Nigel was at romantic stuff, today I really missed him. There is such a big gap in my life. My girls fill my time and I love them immensely, but today I have really felt that gap. I don't need someone to fill that gap. I need Nigel. But he's not here so I have to get on with it.

On a more positive note, today I wore some jeans which I last wore to Sophie's birthday party. Then I had to shoe horn myself into them and they weren't comfy at all. Today I had to hold them up with a belt and they were seriously loose. Small things make dieting worthwhile.

There's no place like home

We had a lovely time in Oxford but I am glad to be home. I always miss being at home when I am away, regardless of where I am. The drive home was ok, busy but not too bad. The washing machine has been on several times already, and there is still more to do!
Got me some new troll beads today so I will take some photographs tomorrow and post more then.

Yippee!!!

I emailed Lighterlife HQ with a link to my blog with the journal photo on, and they have got back in touch! They want me to fill in some forms once I have completed management with a view to me being in either the magazine or even part of national PR! I know it's only a maybe at the moment, but it has made me feel good! And I know I have to complete management as otherwise I will just end up putting all the weight I plan to lose back on!
Here's hoping I get to the two sonte lost point on Thursday!

Printer's Drawer??

I would love to do one of those, although I don't have time to do it at the same pace as others doing Jane's challenge.
Does anyone know where I can get my hands on one please?

Bekonscot Model Village - what a fab place!

Today we ventured out of Oxford and over to Buckinghamshire. First we called at my grandma's, which was nice, although sad too as grandad wasn't there. Thgen I took the girls to Asda and the Macdonald's there for lunch. After we'd picked up some bits of fruit and snacky stuff for tea, we headed over to Beaconsfield to Bekonscot, a fabulous model village. We had a fantastic time wandering around, looking at the houses, shops, and loads of other villages. The girls were entranced by it all. After a mini milk lolly (brr as it's February but it was what the girls wanted lol), we had a ride on the train, which was great too.

Now we are back in Oxford and preparing for a nice quiet evening. The girls are whacked, and I am glad to be back here. Got parked more easily this time, but still not outside the house. Tomorrow we are due to meet up with a friend, so I need to contact her and find out what's happening. I also have the boring task of some marking to do. Ah well!

Yesterday

Yesterday it was exactly 6 months since Nigel died. I didn't post about it then as I have been posting about it on a couple of forums and getting some fantastic support. Thanks everyone.
When I went to bed last night, I had a good old think about how things have changed since August. Everything has to be well planned otherwise I would never leave the house even close to being on time! Getting a cleaner has been a fantastic move. It really has saved my sanity. Before I sorted that out, keeping on top of the house was really getting me down. As I faced going back to work, I knew I wouldn't be able to cope with work, looking after the kids and doing all the cleaning. I have surprised myself with the washing and ironing lately, keeping up to date much more easily than I expected!
The girls are generally happy and doing well at their various haunts. Sophie still has weepy moments, but we have a cuddle and talk about why she feels sad. Alex is regularly convinced that Nigel is at work and will be home soon. That is hard but as she gets older she will learn that unfortunately that isn't the case.

Enough of my ramblings. Not had any comments lately.... is there anyone out there?

City of dreaming spires

Here we are in Oxford. We are staying in a lovely house not far from the centre. Parking is horrendous tho. Took me a fair few attempts to get parked, and even that was a walk down the road as I couldn't get close to the house! Not sure I could cope with that every day.
Tomorrow we are off to the model village at Bekonscot. I have wanted to take the girls there for ages, just never got round to it. We will go and see Grandma too hopefully, even if only for a little while. We won't visit grandad as I don't think it would be a good idea for the girls. I wish I could go and see grandad on my own, but there isn't anyone to leave them with unfortunately.
Anyway, no time or facilities for scrapping for a few days but I have lots to do when I get home. My temporary scrap room needs to be tidied BIG time, and sorted out. I got a delivery of a new trimmer today before I left. My Making Memories one was RUBBISH so I have got me a fiskars one. A collection pack of BG blush just happened to slip in there too.... and some rub ons...... lol :D

School's out

Well I'm done for the half term, even if school doesn't break up til tomorrow. Ah, the joys of not working on Fridays!
This was a hard half term, I have really worked my socks off.
I did get weighed again tonight and I have now reached 25.3 lb lost since starting Lighterlife. That made me feel altogether more positive.
No time for any crafting today, but I will get a bit done tomorrow before I get packed to go to Oxford.
Now for some sleep!

A Mile for Maude

In January this year a beautiful little girl was taken from us. Maude was just 2 years old when she died. Nigel's death was a shock but at least he had 40 years on this earth. Maude's life had barely begun, but for some reason it had to end. I can't even begin to understand the pain her family have felt since she died. I understand the shock they felt when she was taken so suddenly, but not in the same way as losing a child must leave you feeling. I hope and pray it is not a feeling I ever have to experience.

So in memory of Maude, the girls and I will be walking A Mile for Maude on Saturday 12th May. If you would like to join us, check out the website for your nearest venue. Organisation is in the early stages, but there is bound to be a venue near you.

Sleep tight Maude.

Pictures at last

Some gift voucher cards for a friend of mine....











Card making doesn't do it for me like it used to. Am definitely more of a scrapper now!

Next are the covers for my 2007 journal. I want to record lots of positive memories of 2007 for the girls and I to look back on in the years to come. As you know, 2006 was hideous, and I want lots of good memories of 2007.





Sorry the pics are scans but I am never at home during daylight hours lately, so a scan will have to do! I still need to photograph my Macho Man LO of Nigel and the sledge hammer, and finish the Hen Party mini book!

Tomorrow is gymnastics day, Alex with gyminis with Brenda at 1.30, and then Sophie's full on gymnastics at 5.45. I am so tired tonight, glad to have finished my two full days at work for the week. Everyone at work is ready for half term, lots of people are really run down and in need of a break. The biggest thing for me is not having to leave the house at stupid o'clock every morning to get to work. It breaks my heart to have to get the girls out of bed when they are still so sleepy. Roll on the warmer weather and lighter mornings. It definitely felt better this morning when we left in daylight at 7.45am.

Grandad is doing ok. Not much change yet but that is how it goes after a major stroke.

Getting things done

This weekend has been really productive for me in a lot of ways. I have been worrying a lot about Grandad so it has helped me to keep busy. I have started an accordion book containing photos of my hen night. I have been putting all my photographs into a stronger set of boxes, and came across these so figured it was time to use them! I am using lots of lovely Blonde Moments papers along with various rub ons and embellishments. I will post pics once it is all done, and then you can have a really good chuckle!
I also found some pictures of Nigel wielding a sledge hammer, so I used them on a LO for his book. Finally I transferred his LO into his album. I have been looking through my LO and have decided that I need a really special album for my BOM, so if you have any suggestions please leave me a comment.
I also made 3 cards today for my pal who wants to use them to hold gift vouchers for her new business. I'll do photos tomorrow and then she can decide if they are what she's after.
I have finally managed to claim the dining room as a temporary craft room. I was finding it really hard work to clear everything away at night, ready for breakfast in the morning, so I spent the princely sum of £89.90 at Ikea and got me a lovely table and 4 chairs to go in the conservatory. It is much more practical, plus it means the dining room is all mine! Now to sort through all the stash.....

Hard few days

It's been a hard few days. My cold turned into a full blown chest infection so I have been feeling lousy. Then on Friday morning I heard that my grandad, who is 84, had a stroke at 1.30am. He is in hospital in High Wycombe, but he is paralysed down his left side at the moment. I am worried about him, and also about my grandma who is 85. Praying for a good level of recovery.

My Journey Journal

I made this journal to document my Lighterlife journey. Only just finished the cover, it is a gorgeous Pink Pig spiral bound book which Lana and Mimsie gave me for Christmas (thanks girls). I am recording lots of things in it about my way forward with LL. Already I am 17 pounds lighter so I feel very positive about the whole thing.

Tonight I feel a bit pathetic

Got a pain in my leg, a rather large one in fact. Enough to make me cry :(
No idea what is causing it so I will be off to see Dr Robinson this week methinks.
Sympathetic comments please.

Trip trap

Well I've jumped on the bandwagon and got me a trollbead bracelet. I went up to Newcastle on my own this morning to this lovely shop in Jesmond. I chose 3 beads for a start, a silver lucky dragon, a glass bead with silver leaf and turquoise bobbles, and a stone and silver one called wisdom.
It really is very beautiful and I am so glad I went up there and chose it in person.

Some good news.... last night I booked a holiday to Menorca for the girls, my parents and me at May half term. Yippee! Last time we went there I was 17, so we'll see how much it has changed.

First stone gone...

Yay!
Just been for my weigh in and I've lost another 5.9 lb, so my first stone has gone hooray!

I am feeling more positive this evening, especially after going to Lighterlife.

Tomorrow the new playhouse arrives, and then after school we are going to my parents' as they are taking Sophie to the ballet on Saturday.

I've been thinking

Yesterday I found myself thinking that I would give Nigel a ring at work during my lunch hour to see how he was doing.
That stopped me with a jolt.
If only I could give him a ring, speak to him one more time. Even if it was only to say 'Goodbye, I love you.'

The girls have kept me busy while I have been feeling a bit off colour. Alex threw the world's biggest wobbly today at Sarah's. She freaked out completely over having to take her fairy outfit off to eat her tea. No idea why she reacted so badly, but it was the worst I have ever seen her. Sophie is her usual busy self, loving her drawing and reading. She is doing so well with her gymnastics on a Wednesday. Alex loves to watch her too which is great.

Anyway, without my two girls then I think I would be deep in the depths of despair just now.

It's times like this

that make me feel so very alone.

I am really not feeling very well today. I have viral tonsilitis still and thrush in my mouth. Now I have added a cough to the equation. Looking after the girls this evening was hard work, especially as Alex is still awake now and lying in bed next to me. At the weekend my parents were here and took the girls off on Sunday morning while I had a rest.

Nigel was not always very sympathetic when I was poorly in the past, but if I was really ill I could count on him to help me with the girls. I also miss someone to sit with me in the evenings. But let's face it, there's nothing I can do to change things, is there.

I've been tagged!

By the lovely Gemma it seems.

So I have to give 5 facts about myself.

Going along the lines of Gemma's answers, here goes.

1. I met Nigel when I worked for him at the Old Bar at Leeds University Union. He got married for the first time just before I started working there. Obviously there was nothing at all between us then, I just admired from afar. When he seperated from his first wife I was overjoyed when things started up for us during my final year of my music degree. We got married on 29th July 2000 at the church where I was christened as a baby. It was a fantastic day. We had 6 years as Mr and Mrs Head, lots of great times, some not so great, but that's what life is about. Since Nigel died, I often find myself thinking back over the happy memories. One which springs to mind just now is our ski trip in December 2000 to Bulgaria. We had a fantastic holiday, and Nigel really enjoyed learning to ski, even if he did perfect the art of ski-ing backwards off cliffs.....

2. I am very fortunate to have two beautiful daughters, Sophie Alice and Alexandra Juliet. Nigel chose Sophie's name, giving credit to two sources, Sophie Marceau and the McCain oven chip advert. Do you remember the one with two little welsh girls on the bus home. The eldest says, "Sophie, who do you love best, Daddy or chips?"
All the way home, Sophie is chanting, "Daddy or chips, Daddy or chips?" When they are home and eating their tea, her daddy pinches a chip from her plate. She turns to her sister and exclaims, "Chiiiiiiiiiiiiips!"
Alice was my birth name before being adopted, so we wanted to pass that name on to Sophie.
I chose Alex's name. It was partly after my very good friend from Durham who is also Alexandra, and also because I had chosen the name Alexander for Sophie if she had been a boy. I decided that I liked the name so much that I wanted the female version if our second child was a girl, which she was! Juliet is my other middle name, chosen by my parents to balance out Anna and Alice, as together they sounded odd. Alexandra Juliet is a classy name, well I think so!

3.When I was 12 I appeared on 'Going Live!' with the National Children's Orchestra. They came and filmed us during our residential course at Worksop College in the Easter holidays. I did appear on screen while the camera panned across the orchestra, and also playing rounders during recreation in the afternoon. Telly superstar, me!

4. I have been in hospital in several different countries. Let's count:
Portugal, France, Germany, Italy, USA, Belgium.
Far too many! Portugal was when I had campylobacter food poisoning, France was when I fell when ski-ing and popped my cruciate ligament, Germany I had an asthma attack, Italy was the same, USA I had a chest infection which they thought was turning into pneumonia, and Belgium was when I had a massive muscle spasm in my neck and shoulder.

5. I breastfed Alex for 16 months. Not a huge amount of time compared to some people, but as I only managed 7 weeks with Sophie, it was a huge achievement. I felt I wanted to feed Alex successfully as I was pressured into giving up feeding with Sophie, maybe not intentionally, but still I gave up before I really wanted to. So Alex and I had 16 months of feeding, and I enjoyed it all. There were times when it was hard, and in the end I had to give up due to thrush. It had got into my milk ducts and it became excrutiatingly painful to feed. Alex had thrush on her bottom permanently, and regularly had big raw patches because of the infection. As soon as I stopped feeding, the thrush went for both of us. I do wish I could have kept going for longer, but hey ho, I did manage 16 months which is pretty good I think! I am pro breastfeeding, but would never question anyone's decision about feeding. The one thing which does make me feel sad is when people don't even give it a try. Even a week's worth of breastfeeding is beneficial, and even a couple of days of colostrum is better than none at all. There you go, that's my opinion on breastfeeding!

Well there you are, five things about me. Hopefully I haven't bored you rigid! I am writing this sat in bed as the girls have gone out to the Yorkshire Sculpture Park with my mum and dad as I am not feeling great. The tonsilitis is still ongoing, as is the oral thrush. I had a good sleep last night so things are looking up.

On the diet front, things are going well! I lost 11.4 lb in my first week, so I am hoping to lose another 3lb this week to make my first stone. I am not hungry at all, and I definitely slosh when I move. Drinking 4 litres of water a day is hard work, but the food packs are going down with minimum effort. I was allowed to have bars this week, and my favourite is definitely the toffee one. The consistency is along the lines of gooey playdoh, but they taste alright. Here's to hitting that first stone lost on Thursday!

Playhouse shopping

Today we went to Strikes to order the new playhouse. We chose this model:

The girls are delighted with it, and they will be over the moon when it arrives on Friday. The base is exactly the right size for it, so there will be many happy hours spent in the garden I am sure.

Long time no blog

Been a busy week this week. My life seems to be completely non stop just now.

My garden is done, the concrete is drying and tomorrow I will order the girls' new playhouse. The garden looks amazing. It is very muddy just now but soon it will look lovely.

Time for a mud bath

Well, at least that's what my garden will look like tomorrow as work is starting on the paving! Hooray, soon the garden will be on its way to being how I want it to be so we can use it more often. Jason and co are laying a concrete base tomorrow for the new playhouse which I will hopefully order on Saturday. Then he is adding to the paving that I already have down to make the garden accessible to the girls when the lawn is wet. The bigger playhouse will also mean Sophie and Alex can play in there together as our current playhouse is too small for them both.
Once the paving is done, Mary is going to help me put some new plants in to make the garden a lovely place to be.

Watch and think

I found this
Watch it and consider what it means.

Not so long ago

Taken in the Clarendon Wing at LGI after Alex was born. Alex was only a couple of days old here. Just love this picture, the closeness of the three of us. It is of course now rather poignant, as the unit of 3 is our family.

Good news today, I went to be weighed and already I have lost 5.9 lb! I am very happy, and to be honest the diet is not that difficult. I know what I have to do and it is worth it.

Been scrapbooking at last!

The first is of me and my friend and colleague Janet, dressing up on Famous People day at school last year. What a laugh we had that day!
The second is of my girls and Erin meeting Santa at Chester Zoo. Another good day!

Shake, rattle and roll!

or maybe that should be slosh!
I went to my first Lighterlife session tonight, and have all my packs ready to start in the morning. I know the first few days will not be good, but I have an image of myself in a few weeks time which is keeping me focussed. I am planning on doing plenty of scrapping over the weekend to keep my mind off the lack of food. Wish me luck!

Another month has gone by

Five months today since Nigel died. A year ago last Monday since Mark died.
Time is running away with me. Just now I am really feeling a gap in my life. Last night when I fell, I wanted someone to be there to pick me up, to sweep up the smashed plate, to make me a fresh sandwich, to hug me and tell me I am ok. Life as a lone parent isn't so hard, its tricky and I do have to have things in a routine. But the enormity of decision making on my own, being fully responsible for the girls, that's the scariest part of my life. I love the girls, they are my life. Every time I look at them I see Nigel looking back at me. I'm doing my best with them, I know I'm not perfect, but I think we're doing ok. Tiredness is still a factor. I feel as if I could sleep for a week and more, but with Sophie and Alex in tow, that's not possible!
Anyway, enough of my waffle. I miss Nigel very much tonight.

Ouch

Fell flat on my face this evening. I was coming out of the kitchen carrying a sarnie on a plate, when I tripped over the dustpan and brush.
Splat.
Face down on the hall floor, landing on my elbows. Shattered crockery all down the hall!
I am feeling very sore now, and had a sob to myself because I had no-one there to moan to. So sympathy please!

Emergency doctor here we come....

Had to take Alex to the emergency doc this evening as her ear is just getting worse. Still oozing far too much, and the skin round her ear is horribly sore too. She now has a new batch of antibiotics, ear drops and an anti biotic cream for the sore skin. Bless her, she is not in a good way. She is sleeping now, so I am hoping for a more settled night tonight!

Time keeps on ticking

We had a lovely day yesterday with Jan and Jess over in Clitheroe, tinged with sadness as we talked about Maude. Jan's son is flying out to France tomorrow for the funeral on Tuesday morning. My heart will be with Nola at that time.

Have spent today doing mundane household things. The house gets so untidy, mainly because I am the only one tidying up these days! After a while I get very fed up of it all, and so it descends into chaos. Well after this week I have two reasons to keep it tidier, Ann my lovely cleaner comes on a Monday, and then Mary is looking after the girls for me on a Thursday while I go to Lighterlife. I have to be tidier, it's hard, but I have to keep up with it. Sophie is getting better at tidying up, but still drops things where she finds them more often than not. Ah well, must keep going so adios for now!

The wheels are in motion!

Getting started with sorting the house out to be how I want it....
I have spolen to Trussloft to get a date for starting the loft extension.
I have had the garden measured ready to be paved for the new playhouse, and also make it more useable during inclement weather.
I have started a list of what I want to do to each room. Not every room needs something, but the things I want to do are on the list!
I need a recommendation for fitted wardrobes, so if you have had any done recently, and they are good, leave me a comment to tell me which company you used.
I need to source some lighting too. I really don't have many lights in the house other than the ceiling lights, and I often feel they are too harsh. Think I will go and have a browse at Ring, many bargains there I believe!

Today I took Nigel's big, heavy petrol lawnmower to the lawnmower man in Farnley. I can't handle it, so I want to see that one and get a lighter electric model. I'm not much of a gardener but I am keen to learn. I want to plant an apple tree for Nigel, somewhere in the garden. Not sure where, as the back fence is out because of the leylandii behind. Horrid things.

Other than that, not a bad day. Had lunch with friends at Pizza Hut, had the buffet mmmmm. Alex's ear is still running like a tap, but she is taking the anti biotics so it should start to clear up soon. Tomorrow we are off to Clitheroe to see JanH and family.

Life is so very harsh

I have just got home to discover that an online friend's little girl has died in her sleep aged two. Why we don't know just yet.
Life really does throw some hideous times at you. Just as you think life is picking up, it goes downhill so suddenly.

Sleep tight little one. Gggg, I am thinking of you and my heart goes out to you. It is so unfair. There is no explanation.

Gunge

From Alex's ear to be precise. Yuck. Her first ear infection since having the grommets fitted. So no morning to myself today. Couldn't get her into the docs so we are going tomorrow afternoon.
Today has been spent sorting laundry, wiping gunge from Alex's ear, and doing general housework. Boring.
Back to work tomorrow. Ah well. Not long til the weekend!

Sleep would be nice!

Last night I wondered why I bothered going to bed! Alex was up with hideous ear ache, and spent a couple of hours screaming. Then the rest of the night was spent tossing and turning with her grappling onto me.
She's asleep already, so I hope it lasts!
I have been playing with my new toy, a dock for my ipod. It is also a clock radio, but I have yet to work out how to use the alarm part of it! It is only a tiny little thing but the sound quality is fantastic.
I also had a tidy up in the lounge today. Have sorted through some of the toys. I still have loads to get through, but it is a bit tidier than it was. I need to find better storage for the playmobil, not found a solution as yet.
Sophie goes back to school tomorrow, and Alex is back at the childminder's. I have a day off in lieu, so I am planning a morning to myself. I need to put the Christmas decs back in the loft, and then I am going to go to the gym for a nice swim and jacuzzi session. Will try and fit in a supermarket shop too as the fridge is virtually empty. Then in the afternoon its time for gymnastics again with Alex first, then Sophie. Back to the busy times!

New Year, lots of plans

So much to do this year. I want to get the house exactly how Nigel and I wanted it, but couldn't do when he was here because we didn't have the funds. So later in the year I will be having a loft extension done, giving two more bedrooms and a toilet up there. Mum and dad will have one room as their base when they visit, and the other one, well I haven't quite decided yet! The third bedroom which the girls are currently in will become my scrap room! Hooray!
There are other bits and pieces that I want to do, get the hall and stairs decorated once the loft is done and stuff like that. The dining room will become a playroom for the girls and the dining table will take up residence in the conservatory.
So 2007 will be busy, but all in a good cause!

For me, well I am going to be more careful to have time for myself this year. On a Friday while Alex is at playschool, I am going to go swimming every week, I find it relaxing and need to have that time out. Before Christmas I was running around doing stuff, but now I need to relax a bit.

I also want to get a Wednesday night crop going on a monthly basis. So if you live in Leeds and fancy coming along, leave me a message! I have room for up to 10 scrappers if I put the trestle table out in the lounge/conservatory.

On January 11th I am starting a radical diet. Lighterlife is complete meal replacement, and I have chatted to people who have seen fantastic results. I need to get to the weight I want to be and work hard at staying there, rather than stumbling along the way. So if you want to join me, leave me a message too!

Finally there's the monthly journal I suggested on UKScrappers. A journal of the year, which for me will be a set of positive memories of 2007. After last year, I need good things to look back on.

So here's to lots of good things in 2007, at home, with my diet, with scrapbooking!