Bath time

So here we are in the beautiful city of Bath, staying with Joanne and Robin a few minutes' drive from the city centre. This afternoon we went into the centre, as the rain was siling down. We had planned to visit this farm but the rain really was too heavy. So on the way into Bath we passed Crockadoodledo, a pottery painting place. We had so much fun! The girls painted a plate each, Jo did a bowl, and I did a mug. Jo was under the impression that we would watch while the girls painted, but I soon told her otherwise. "But I'm not artistic," she cried.
"Rubbish," I said, and she proceeded to thoroughly enjoy herself. Jo is going to pick up the fired items in a week, can't wait to see them.

After the pottery painting, we headed to my favourite haunt, good old Starbucks, for coffee and munchies for the girls. Then it was time to hit the shops. I was looking for a dress, as I have an evening wedding reception to go to at the end of the month. Nigel's cousin's daughter is the bride to be, so I have an invite for the evening. With not a thing to wear, I spied this in Crew Colthing, and was delighted to find it fitted, and that it was 50% off in the sale! That's me sorted then.

The wine is open again, and we are having curry once the girls are in bed. Both of them are absolutely whacked, so it won't be long til it is bed time. Tomorrow we are going to try and get to the farm, weather permitting. If not, who knows where we will end up!

Adios Amigos... again!

Tomorrow we are off to see Joanne, hooray! Then on to a week's break with my family. See you all in a week or so!

Peter's New Heart

He made it through the surgery, and is recovering in ICU at Harefield. It will be a long road to recovery, but Peter has his new heart!

I am so very happy for the whole family. But equally sad for the donor's family in their time of loss. I wonder how old the donor was, and the circumstances that lead to Peter getting his second chance.

Life deals bitter blows to many people, but fortunately one person's tragedy is another person's chance of happiness.

Time for a transplant...

As I type this, Peter is undergoing his heart transplant.

I can't fully understand Sarah's hopes and fears, as I have not been there exactly, but I know one thing.

Let this transplant be the lifeline Sarah and Peter deserve.

So the first year is over...

That's that, the first of everything is done. First birthdays without Nigel, first Christmas, Father's Day and our seventh Wedding Anniversary. Lots of other firsts too, which we had to adjust to as a family of three instead of four. We have overcome hurdles, dealt with sadness, and also experienced happy times.

The happiness was bittersweet, as always there was the thought that Nigel should have been sharing in everything. He was so looking forward to taking Sophie to school on her first day in reception. I was so proud of her that day, and I know that Nigel would have felt the same.

Another day which we had been waiting for was Alex's grommet operation. Alex was diagnosed with glue ear in April last year, and her behaviour was severely affected. She experienced 90% hearing loss, and was in considerable pain because of the pressure in both ears. The grommets made an instant difference, and I so wish Nigel could have seen that difference.

Christmas passed without too much drama, the girls enjoying their presents and spending time with family. Time seemed to rush past, life was so busy. I returned to work in late October, which was the right decision at the time. My class last year was very demanding, but I thoroughly enjoyed teaching them. The paperwork aspect of teaching is enough to grind even the most committed teacher down, but the actual act of teaching is something I love doing.

The first anniversary was not was painful as I had expected, the build up being far worse than the day itself. Remembering how that night had started with a happy meal at our favourite restaurant, and ending with my husband being carried away in a body bag. Something not even for your worst nightmare, but it happened.

The direction of my life has changed since then. Nigel's death is something I will never get over. People ask if I have got over it yet, but they are asking a ridiculous question. Nigel will always have a special place in my heart, even if I meet someone else. No-one can tell what the future holds for any of us, but Nigel will always be in my heart. Of course he also lives on in Sophie and Alex, smiling back at me through their eyes.

We talk about Nigel every single day, dropping him into the conversation as if he were still here. Sophie has an amazing memory for detail, and will often recall funny little things she did with Nigel. The girls do not remember him with sadness; their memories instead are of happy times, of a daddy who truly loved them both.

So I will end my post here. Thank you to all my dear friends, both in real life and online. Without your support and friendship I would have crumbled. I will continue with this blog, and I hope you will continue to visit.

Anna's girls are here to stay, and even though our lives have changed direction slightly since Nigel died, he will always be in our hearts. A gift I was given not long ago sums it up.

We love him because he loved us.

The day so far...

Been to sort my car tax out at last. Then I popped in to see Nigel's sister. After that I went to the cemetery to tidy Nigel's grave, give him a hair cut, so to speak!

When I got home, I decided to put the BBQ on for lunch, and so we had chicken and sausages out in the garden. Went down well with the girls and mum and dad. Now we are going to take some sunflowers to the cemetery from the girls.

One year on...

This time last year, I was fast asleep in bed with Nigel. We had been to our favourite restaurant, Casa do Rio, and eaten Cataplana. The views out across the estuary were breathtaking as usual. After walking back up the hill, we got the girls to bed and settled down ourselves.
The last time I spoke to Nigel was at 1.10am. For some reason we both woke up. I need the toilet, and Nigel had a sore throat, so got up and took some paracetamol. We went back to sleep.

Then it was 2.00am and Nigel fell out of bed. I can remember every moment clearly now, as if it was yesterday. I don't think I will ever forget the events of that night.

After the paramedics had gone, I remember sitting on the bed, with Nigel lying on the floor next to me, covered in a sheet. I thought of my friend Sarah, whose husband Peter is waiting for a heart transplant. Nigel wanted to be an organ donor, but the way in which he died meant that it wasn't possible.

But tonight, there is possibly a donor heart for Peter. Tonight of all nights. I knew it would be tonight. If it goes ahead, which I hope more than anything in the world, something good will be there for us on August 10th. Somewhere, a family is grieving the loss of their loved one, but they have given the gift of life, hopefully to Peter. Nigel is watching out for him too.

So please, join me in saying a prayer for Peter, Sarah, Nicole, Lauren and Serena tonight. Let Peter see his girls grow up, something Nigel will never do. He isn't here but I am doing everything I can to bring them up well.

Please, let Peter get that heart, and let it be tonight.

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Been tagged

here are the details

It's all about passing on something nice so I need to find people to tag...

Not much happening to report. We've been up in Durham at my parents', and the girls have stayed there while I return to Leeds overnight. Going back up there tomorrow to spend another couple of nights there.

This time last year, we were in Portugal, and had spent the day by the pool in bright sunshine. We ate out that evening, can't remember where tho. Happy days... little did any of us realise how much life would change in a matter of days.

Remembering the funny things...

An old friend of Nigel's (and of mine too of course) sent me a text this evening wishing me happy memories of our wedding day. She reminded me of how Nigel managed to lock his keys in his car, and so he ended up having to go and buy new socks. He went commando under his hired trousers.....
The next day there was a mad rush back to Leeds to get his spare set of car keys before leaving on our honeymoon.
So tonight I am toasting Nigel with a glass (or 3 ) of his favourite wine, a french white called Pouilly Fume. Very delicious...

Seven years ago...

I'm going to post my favourite picture of Nigel and I again. This may not be a photo from our wedding day, but I could not bring myself to look at those today.



Today has been very odd in terms of how I have felt. Numb is perhaps the best way to describe it. Incomplete for sure. Last year Nigel spent the day at the Gildersome Gala, a fundraising event at our local pub. I was on the way back from Scotland after a holiday with Heather and Erin. Once the girls were in bed, we shared Nigel's choice of nibbles from Marks and Sparks, the lemon pepper chicken goujons being most memorable. We've never been big on anniversaries, but we would always spend time together over a meal of some description.

Seven years... that day was the happiest of my life, we had a wonderful day. It might have poured with rain, meaning that the photographs had to be taken inside, but nothing could spoil that day. Not even Nigel leaving a size 12 shoe print on my wedding dress as we left the church!

This time last year NIgel and I celebrated six years together. If anyone had ever suggested how I would spend my seventh anniversary, I would have laughed in their faces.

But here I am, 31 years old, mother of two gorgeous girls, and a widow. Life changes so very quickly, no one can tell what lies ahead. The sadness since August last year has been immense, all consuming at times. But there is brightness glimmering at the end of the tunnel, difficult to see on days like today. But it is there, and the girls and I can see that.

One thing I definitely know for sure. Nigel lives on in Sophie and Alex, and he would be so very proud of them both.

All Disneyed Out...

Home at last, after a fantastic holiday. Our journey home was fraught and involved an overnight stop in London, but let's not dwell on that. (or the suitcase which is still in London as I type this!)

We had such fun at Disneyland, the girls could not quite believe they were there. The place as a whole makes a massive impact on your senses as an adult, never mind as a child who adores all things disney! We had breakfast with the characters, and I also treated us to dinner at the Auberge du Cendrillon, with the princesses. Cost me an arm and a leg but it was worth every penny to see how the girls enjoyed it. We feasted that night, right down to cocktails and wines for each course. Yum yum.

So now it is time to wash the dirty clothes, put away all the belongings, and generally tidy things up. Yawn, boring stuff.

Just a few snaps, memories which will be scrapped very soon.






















Tomorrow is my 7th Wedding Anniversary. How can life change so dramatically in such a short time?

Disneyland Paris here we come...

The cases are packed and in the car, the girls went to bed in an excited state, Joanne and I are ready to roll out of bed at 3.15 to leave here at 4 am.
Disneyland awaits... see you soon!

And my sports day superstar...

Bless her!

Photographs to compare...

Top one was taken yesterday morning, and Sophie was one grumpy bunny! The bottom one was taken on her very first day at school back in September.

School year is over

That's reception finished for Sophie. Can't believe she has completed her first year at school already. She exceeded all her early learning goals, and is working at level one. That will give her a great start to year one with Mrs Lowry. I have taken a photograph of her to compare to the one I took on her first day, but t'internet is playing up and won't let me upload anything tonight.
I also have some pics of Alex at her sports day. She looks the part, running down the field with her baseball cap on. When I can get them uploaded I will share them.
Still feeling a bit rough with a chest infection so apologies for the lack of posts.
Back soon, bye for now!

Poor Alex

This tea time I spent 3 hours in casualty at the LGI. Alex managed to slam her fingers in the conservatory door, and I have never heard her scream like that before. She was beside herself with pain and shock. I rang a friend who is a nurse and she said to get her checked out, so off we trotted. I left Sophie at her friend's house, dragging her along would have made it truly hideous. Being a lone parent at times like this show me just how hard it can be. Finding someone to leave the other child with can be tricky.
Alex was a superstar at the hospital, sitting perfectly whilst being xrayed. She was so tired she fell asleep on the way home, and didn't stir when I put her to bed. Sophie was bathed and ready for bed in her friend's PJs when I picked her up, which she thought was great fun! I am exhausted now, oh well, at least Alex is ok.
Heather and Erin have gone home a little earlier than planned as Heather fell yesterday and twisted her knee. Ian came over while we were at the hospital to pick them up. Sad that the weekend didn't go to plan :(
It is the last week of term for Sophie in reception. Busy busy busy. Lots to do. I can't quite believe that my baby has almost finished her first year at school. Her report was glowing, and she has matured so much this year. I am very proud to be her mummy, and I know Nigel would be proud of her too.

Getting things in motion...

I have set things in motion to hopefully change my hours at work from September. Nothing concrete as yet, but I will be working fewer hours in a less stressful role. Still doing the teaching that I enjoy, but without the responsibility of a class. I really do enjoy being a teacher, but unfortunately teaching is one of the least time consuming aspect of the job these days. Paperwork takes over, with target setting, appraisals, assessments, planning, marking and the suchlike intruding into the lives of teachers long after they have left the classroom and gone home.

I have guests for the weekend. Heather has come over from Anglesey. The kids created at bedtime, so we are both exhausted. Not seen her since, so no doubt she is asleep now. The girls have a training day tomorrow, so we will find something to keep them amused.

A Sad Day

This morning I received a text message which I had known would arrive sometime today. It told me that at midnight last night, my friend's 3 month old son lost his fight to continue life. He has had many medical problems since birth, and sadly he fell asleep for the last time last night. I feel absolutely desolate for my friend and her family; she has two daughters similar in age to my two, and they must be feeling immense sadness at the loss of their brother.

Something I have stopped trying to do is to understand why people die. Logic does not come into it. When your number is up, there is nothing you can do about it. Some people leave before you expect them to, others outlive your wildest expectations. Nigel certainly left well before anyone expected him to, and I would still give everything I have to just have one more minute with him. But of course that can't be. I know he has gone, and I hope that my friend's son is somewhere where he does not suffer. I will not say a better place, as how can there be anywhere better than with your family? People said that to me when Nigel died. How could Nigel be somewhere which was better than being with the girls and me?

I do believe in God, and I do not hide my faith. Yes there are times when I wonder why God has chosen to do certain things, but I can not explain them and never will. Accepting tragedies alongside happy times is part of life, part of becoming a better person. It is just indescribably painful trying to do this when life throws it's worst at you. If only life were easy.... but it's not. So let's get on with it, make the most of it and take the rough with the smooth.

Bloggers in print

I was reading the Sunday Times today about bloggers who have ended up with publishing deals because of what they have written on their blogs. What a great way to earn a living, write a blog and get paid £70000 for the pleasure! I wonder if there is scope for a book about a young widow who loves to scrapbook, spend time with her children and attempt to become a domestic goddess?

The weekend has passed in a blur. Sophie had a friend sleeping over last night which went smoothly. Both girls were asleep by 8.15. Alex was a bit more problematic, and she ended up in my bed to start off with. Soon shipped her back to her own bed though.

This afternoon I managed to sneak in a quick catnap as I was exhausted. I need to slow down a bit this week. The trouble with being at home is that I feel that I want to get on with sorting the house out, and then end up overdoing it! Hence the need for a nap this afternoon. This week I am going to take it easier and not worry about the mess. I need to buy a BBQ too as I have friends coming over on Sunday for lunch. Fingers crossed the weather improves, otherwise it will be a lim sarnie in the conservatory!

Still no photographs of what I have been scrapping....

Busy as a bee

Well I have been busy, busy, busy here. Still very up and down with my mood, but I am cracking on with sorting things out in the house. It still looks like a bomb has hit it, but a more controlled bomb!
My scrap room is coming together, slowly but surely. All the cupboards are in now, so I am on with putting everything in it's new home. I am also going through all the paperwork in the house, and throwing all sorts of stuff away. I have shredded another mountain, and put it out for recycling. Been to the tip twice in two days, filled up my neighbours' bins as they have been away so their bins are empty, and reduced the amount of junk in my house by a large margin.
I still need to photograph my latest layouts, I will do that at the weekend for sure.
Onwards with the decluttering...

The decluttering continues....

I sorted out the mountain of junk in the kitchen today. You can actually see the worksurface again, plus I have paid all my bills.
Tomorrow the high sleeper is going, and then I can really crack on with moving all the junk around. And throwing most of it out lol.
WIsh me luck...

My desk is done!

Hooray, the joiners have been and built my lovely new desk in my new scrap room! I am over the moon with it, and can't wait to get scrapping in there.

There is a high sleeper still in the room at the moment, but that is going on Sunday. Once that is gone I will be able to move all my cupboards in there and get my stash sorted. There is room for my PC on the right hand side and a huge scrapping area to the left.

I feel very good about all this, which makes a nice change!

No longer a statistic

Went to see my GP today and it seems I am no longer part of the obesity statistics. My BMI is 24.6, so within the healthy range. My god, the first time since I was 12!

Been busy today, painting Alex's new bedroom. The pink is described as 'Babe' and it is pretty much pink pig colour! She will love it when she sees the first coat on in the morning. Then it will be time to move all the furniture which is never an easy job. The joiners are coming on Friday to build my new desk, and then I can get on with sorting through the mountains of crap which currently reside in my house. I am going to have to be very brutal, as otherwise I will be back to square one. I also need to get some varnish for the new desk to seal it, and do it on Friday night so it dries overnight. The excitement....

Rain rain go away

Here's 'sit', and as it was bucketing down all day there was no chance to sort it outside. Floods everywhere, Gildersome was gridlocked as the M62 was closed, as was the M1. Nightmare. Had to cancel my docs appointment as I couldn't get there!

I have been a woman on a mission today, and emptied the small bedroom ready to paint it pink as soon as I can be bothered. I can't believe how much junk there was in that room, and so most of it will be recycled or binned. I have no need for most of it so it has to go. I'll keep the crucial stuff of course!

So tomorrow it is off to the gym to try and give myself a mood lift. Wish me luck!

Write

Prompt for my photograph today is write. So here is Sophie writing her name this afternoon.

Other than that, not a lot to report. My brother and sister in law are here visiting with my nephew and niece. They are moving down to Berkshire this week so goodness knows when we will see them again.

Felt like a change...

...so here's my new layout.

Not sure why really, just did. Another busy day, gym this morning and then gymnastics for Alex at lunchtime. Then this afternoon I nipped to Ikea once mum and dad had arrived to look at some storage cupboards. Didn't buy yet though.

At tea time I finished off three paint cans I am giving to Sophie's teacher and TAs. I will photograph them in better light tomorrow. Just need some suggestions for what to put in them!


Just a snap of my lovely Sophie. She is getting very tired now, ready for the summer holidays in a few weeks. She has had a fantastic year in Reception with 3 great members of staff. I worried so much about her starting school, but she has been so well adjusted and settled. The odd 'moment', but nothing major really. I just hope year one is as successful!

Edited to add:

Just had to stick this in....we are off to see a preview of Shrek the Third on Sunday afternoon. Alex is the BIGGEST Shrek fan, and this will be her first ever visit to the cinema. She is going to love it!

Press

I think the teddy in this shot has to win the prize for most annoying soft toy. It is an angel bear which plays a violin. Silent night. On and on. And on. Yuck. But the press button responds to the prompt over on her space my space!

Catch up photos

I've been playing catch up with her space my space today, but now I can't seem to upload them!
This is the first, shell. Got some others too but I will do them later.

More relaxing day today, I went to the gym, then to the garden centre. The girls then cycled on the road outside the house while I put in the low fence I had bought for the front garden, and then I laid the slate pieces to go alongside it. I am pleased with how it looks, better than I thought it would turn out that's for sure.

Back later with more pics I hope.

ETA more pics!

Thinking positive

Evening all.

The reports are done HOORAY!

And I am off work for a fortnight to sort myself out and adjust to my medication. Not sure how long that will take, but I have started taking it so fingers crossed.
Got through today, it was easier than I expected, but then I haven't left the house all day. No seeing happy families for me. We are a happy family as the three of us, so let's look for the positive.

Tomorrow I am dropping the girls at Debbie's, and then I am off to the gym. If I don't get started on the fitness routine, Linzi, my fitness instructor, will shout at me! I do need to shape up, and my GP has reccomended exercise as it releases endorphins which will make me feel better. Plus I want rid of my bingo wings....

That's about it for now. A demain.

Flowers

Meant to photograph them but I forgot! Today I received some flowers, beautiful flowers in fact, from some of the other reception mums at Sophie's school. They were to say congratulations on getting to my target weight. How lovely, I was over the moon to get them!

I have also been to the gym today which I enjoyed (madness I know) and then for tea I had a rather tasty fresh tuna steak. Went down very nicely. Just need to decide what to have tomorrow as I went to Tesco and got some smoked salmon and mackerel, some rocket salad, and another piece of tuna. As the tuna is fresh and the others are sealed, I think tomorrow will be a tuna nicoise salad (of a fashion). Plus a cup of tea with milk in. Blimey, how exciting, a cup of tea with milk in it!

Tomorrow it is father's day. A day I would rather forget for now. Not the person who should be celebrating it with us, but just the fact that other fathers are still here and Nigel isn't.

If you are celebrating, have a great day, and raise your glass to dads who aren't with us this year.

Yum yum in my tum

Salmon went down a treat. Felt good to be sat at the table eating with the girls, and I felt full once I had eaten the piece of salmon I chose for myself. Didn't have room for any veg, but then I am not allowed to have that yet! Tomorrow, well I am not sure which protein I will have tomorrow, could be chicken, could be tuna, could be cottage cheese (or not, nasty stuff lol). Definitely won't be tofu!
I went and had my hair cut and coloured today which was good. I did feel very nervy in the hairdressers tho, which was not so good.
And will it ever stop raining? Where is Noah when I need him?

Time to eat

Still here
still feeling crap

but on a positive note I went to my first management meeting tonight, and I will be eating a piece of salmon later today. Wow. My first food for 155 days other than Lighterlife food packs. I also discovered I have lost another 3 lb so I am 6 lb under target weight. And 1lb away from having lost 7 stone. Blimey, 7 stone, that is scary!

Made my bed today...

Sounds bizarre but today I have made my bed properly for the first time since before the loft conversion was started. I have had all sorts of things stored in my bedroom, and so have been unable to make the bed in the way I truly like. Odd, I know, but that is just how it is! So tonight I will enjoy getting into a made bed for the first time in ages! Small things keep me happy....

My mood is still not great. I have felt very weepy repeatedly today. The thing that scares me most is how close I have come to having a panic attack. Life is smothering me, and I am trying to keep my head above water. So if you haven't spoken to me for a while and did in the past, give me a ring, so I know you haven't forgotten me. Come and see the girls. Friends are what I need just now.

Attention all ticker haters....

I have had this weight loss ticker since starting Lighterlife, and have it in my signature on a weight loss forum I post on.
I have been to LL tonight and check out the results..... I am now 6 stone 9lb lighter than I was in January. Feeling good about my success there.

On other issues, things are not so great. My mood is sliding so if anyone knows a good way to make me feel better, please get in touch.

Father's Day....

I am in need of a sleeping pill to go to sleep on Saturday night and wake up on Monday. This year I would like father's day to pass us by. It's not that I want to deny that Nigel was ever here, I just feel so desperately sad that on Father's Day my two beautiful girls will be without their daddy. Having spent today with other members of WAY, the harsh reality that all those children face next weekend is too much. I am glad that facing Father's Day is ten months down the line for us. It must be horrific for those who are in the early days. Sophie's class don't make father's day cards as there are too many children in school who don't have contact with their dads. But in nursery, they do make cards, so I have asked that Alex makes one for my dad, addressed to Grampy.
Nothing really to report now. The loft is nearly decorated, and the carpet is being fitted on Tuesday. Then we wait for the furniture for mum and dad's room. Move the pull up bed to the other room and start sorting through the boxes of crap which control my house. ARGH.

Mojo, mojo, where are you?

It has started to reappear this evening. I had a CJ entry to do and once I got started I ended up doing a LO for a new album I am doing. I will photograph it tomorrow as the light is not enough tonight. I really enjoyed it, so I can't wait to get my new scrap room sorted. Just can't decide whether or not to have it painted or keep it lemon for now. Hopefully the joiners will be here on 18th June to build my desk.
So until tomorrow when I upload the photo of the LO....

And so it is done

The loft is finished in terms of building work. AT LAST! Mark from TL came and checked it all over today. Buildings regs have got to come and inspect, but I know they will be ages in coming. The decorator is now hard at work (well not right now as it is 11.20pm!) and the carpets for the two bedrooms and vinyl for the diddy bathroom are coming to be fitted on Monday. I ordered the new furniture for mum and dad's room today. Beautiful oak furniture, and it should be here in four weeks or less. Hopefully less, and then I can get on with sorting the girls' new bedrooms out and moving everything round.
Argh
What am I doing.... the house is upside down!
Nipped into gap tonight for some new Boy cut jeans. They have to be the most comfortable jeans on the planet. Got into some 14s which was good. Bought a jumper too, but that was too big so it will go back asap. I picked out a large through habit, and it looked silly. Not sure about the colour tho so will reassess that when I go back.

Alex is starting swimming lessons tomorrow at my gym. She is having an individual lesson as I think she needs the attention. Will be interesting to see if she will get in without me!

Back to my reports... but not without posting today's her space my space prompt of bread. A quick snap of forbidden french bread...

9 days and counting....

So it is nine days until I start management with Lighterlife. This means I will be reintroducing food slowly but surely over a 12 week period.
I was delighted when I realised tonight that I am 2 lb from my target weight. I was chatting with my mum tonight about it all and we realised that I am the lightest I have been since I was 13!
Other than that, it has been work, sleep, work, choose new carpets, ring the loft conversion company and shout at them, work, sleep, work. Yuck. No fun for me at the moment. I did get my ironing back today. Wow. I am soooo impressed. Not cheap as there was loads to do, but definitely a service worth using from time to time. Especially with work clothes which I hate ironing! As it is summer just now I wear more t shirts for work, but when it gets colder and I am back in blouses and formal trousers I will send them to the ironing service every week. Definitely worth saving my sanity!
Nothing else to report so I will sign off for now.
Oh yes, one more thing. Happy 2nd Birthday Oliver!

Back to work blues

Boo hoo back to work tomorrow. Wish I could stay home, especially as my childminder is away on holiday so I have had to ask my parents to take the girls to and from school. Would be so much easier if I could take them myself. But alas no, it's got to be done.

I have got the washing sorted at last, and the ironing pile is ENORMOUS, but mum and dad are taking that to the ironing service tomorrow. There is no way I have time to sort it at the moment, so I am taking the lazy option. In the past, Nigel would always take a couple of extra days off after a holiday to get the washing and ironing sorted. Now that it's just me, my holidays are not flexible so there are two overflowing baskets waiting to go to Drighlington tomorrow.

Her Space My Space is on hold for me, I should get a chance on Wednesday and I will take all the photos. I have really enjoyed the few I have taken so far. I'm also going to have a go at some photography at school, class photos no less so I am going to have to buy me a tripod. Any recommendations would be welcomed.

So onwards and upwards, time to tidy up my planning for the week and get me to bed.

Home again

Shame really as we had a fantastic time. We did very little really, just went between the hotel and the pool, and the beach. The girls adored the beach, and Sophie was in heaven when she was in the water. Dad bought them both an inflatable ring to use in the water. Sophie certainly got her money's worth with hers, and her laughter could be heard all over the beach when she was riding it on the waves!

The hotel was great, right on the beach, and the girls were able to choose from the buffet for their meals. Sophie ate a cooked breakfast every morning, and Alex managed to consume her own body weight in melon every day! I stuck with my lighterlife shakes, as I am so close to target that I didn't want a set back at this point.

ANd while I am on the subject of Lighterlife, I am aware that there is a person who reads my blog who has been criticising my decision to do Lighterlife. I know that they actually know nothing about Lighterlife, and as usual they are claiming to know it all when actually they know very little. I have to see my GP for checks every 4 weeks, so it is fully supervised and safe. And do you really think I would do something to put myself at risk now that my girls only have me?

I got back from Menorca to find a fantastic parcel from Holland. Wow, thank you so much! Drop, hagelslag, stroopwafels, speculaas... I am looking forward to savouring them once I am back onto food, and they will last a long time! I will be in touch to organise a little something in return for your kindness.

Well I had better get back to the washing mountain that is currently consuming this house. Yuck. That part of going on holiday I really hate! So think of me as I stand behind the ironing board....

Pamper Day

Prompt today was polish, so as Becky, my mobile beautician pal was here painting the girls' toenails, I decided to go for this interpretation of polish! Gorgeous colour, don'tcha think!

Packing furiously now, so this will be my last post until June. I am so in need of some beach time......

Path

Well I must have looked like a prize idiot, laid on my garden path this tea time! Managed to get an ok shot tho, so not too bad.

Been to Lighterlife this evening, and I've done it, I've hit the big 6 stone lost! Yippee, am so happy to have done that in time for my holidays! We fly out on Friday morning at stupid o'clock (otherwise known as 6.15 am) so we will be able to hit the beach in the afternoon.

Not sure if I will have time to check in while we're away, but I will try.

Cheers!

A photo of my latest minibook as promised. The photos were taken in summer 1996 when I was at University. The University Symphony Orchestra toured the Oban area of Scotland. We did several concerts, and the rest of the time was spent in a stupour! Drunk isn't quite enough of a description I don't think! On the way home I looked absolutely shocking, having only spent an hour in bed without an alcoholic drink in my hand. Makes me shudder now. Yuck.

I have attracted some Dutch visitors as Anita lives in the Netherlands. I saw one blogger's take on cookies was speculaas cookies. Gingerbread, dutch style. Yum yum . Having spent a year living in Enschede whilst studying with Jaap van Zweden at the Conservatorium, I learned to love so many Dutch foods. Drop, stroopwaffels, olliebollen, haagelslag, vla, and the Indonesian food which was so readily available there too. Nasi goreng, bami, more yum yum!!! I need a visit to Amsterdam so I can fit in an Indonesian meal again, washed down with a nice vasje of Amstel or Grolsch.

If anyone would like to send me some of the Dutch food listed above, leave me a comment and I'll be in touch...... LOL :D

My first attempt....

This is my attempt at Anita and Kirsty's prompt over on Her Space My Space. Anyway, the word today is cookies. In our house, jaffa cakes rule supreme on the cookie front. We have several other types of cookies/biscuits/whatever you want to call them, but it is the jaffa cakes which always go first. Not even the Pink Panther pink wafer biccies can beat the jaffa cakes!

I actually managed to do some scrapping today. Made me a mini book using some cracking photos taken when I was at uni. I will photograph it later and possibly post a pic...

It felt great to get back into my scrap room and actually have the desire to scrap. Once again my mojo had departed, but it seems to be returning. I have a joiner coming tomorrow to measure up for a purpose built scrapping desk in my new scrap room. I want lots of shelves in there too, so in no time it will be a permanent place for me to scrap. The dining room has been great as a temporary home for now, but once that is clear I am looking forward to being able to go and scrap in the evenings without interruption!

The dining room will become a toy room, and so hopefully my house will look like less of a toy shop. The loft is getting closer to completion every day, and Jim the joiner has been putting door frames in today. Hopefully the sparky will sort out the electrics tomorrow, and then the toilet and washbasin, and the radiators, will go in on Wednesday. Then it's the bannister..... who knows exactly when it will be finished, but in the next week for sure!

Photographic evidence....

Here I was back in January on the day I started Lighterlife



And here I am today, just short of six, yes six stone lighter.

Fat girl slim?

If I manage to lose 3 pounds this week then I will have lost 6 stone since January. Total loss is 80 lb. Scary. More than both my children put together. And I have been lugging that round in flab. Gross.

I now have 10lb to get to my target weight. I will still be classed as slightly heavier than the government thinks I should be, but I am very very happy with how I am looking lately. I bought a skirt last week which was a size 14. That was a very good moment for me! I think I need to slow down my shopping though.... I have been buying lots of gorgeous clothes lately! I just need a few more things for my holiday to Menorca.........

Reminiscing....

First piccie was taken October 2004 and we sent it as a CHristmas card to family and some friends.
The second picture was taken in August when Sophie was 2.5 and Alex was 4 months.

Bit better today. Just looking at these pictures shows how fast life is passing us by. Alex had another attempt at a tantrum tonight but I ignored it. She didn't want to go to bed but I kept on with putting her back. Both she and Sophie spurned my spag bol, so most of that ended up in the bin *sigh*.

Tomorrow night it is tea by request. Hot dogs. Wowee how healthy. Officers of the Food Police, please don't shoot me down in flames.

Everything in moderation eh?

Toddler Tamer Required

Apply in writing asap to....



This is my youngest daughter, Alexandra, known as Alex. Blimey she is hard work. Enough to drive you to distraction. She was hard work when there were two of us dealing with her, but now that it is just me from Monday to Friday it verges on horrific. This evening she spurned the meal I had cooked for her, and then went to rummage in the fridge for what she fancied. Then at bath time she decided she wanted to wear my bathrobe and not her own. What followed was a prolonged period of screaming, whilst I held her tight and dried her, put pyjamas on and put her to bed. The screaming continued, but fortunately she was tired and so fell asleep about 20 minutes later.
Alex's behaviour is testing. It sends me towards the edge at times as I wonder how on earth I will handle it alone.
So as a result, tonight I feel very, very alone. Faced with bringing up my two girls, Sophie is a breeze but Alex is certainly pushing all the wrong buttons. My life is too much of a rollercoaster ride for me to handle. But of course I will get on with it. Accept it. Deal with it. Even when I don't really want to.

Fab weekend.... shame it had to end

What a great weekend, and fortunately nice and relaxing too. It was fantastic to see my bestest bud from school again, and made it even more frustrating that she lives in Bath, so far from us here in Leeds.
On Saturday we went into Leeds and I parted with just short of £100 for shoes for the girls. Had to be done, and it couldn't be done cheaply that's for sure. Then Jo and I hit the shops, going into Fat Face on Briggate.
Wow what lovely clothes. Came out with a swimsuit for Sophie, a belt for me and a gorgeous airlie sweat for me. Ended up with a small man's sweatshirt as the women's ones were not quite what I was looking for. Hit Lush too, and Jo bought her 400th pair of plip plops. Need to get me some methinks. ALthough I have spent plenty on clothes and shoes lately.....
On Saturday afternoon we did some gardening, or maybe that should be described as hard labour... we dug up turf and laid new turf too, Jo wasn't expecting that bless her! My garden does look rather lovely now, and on its way to how I want it to be.
Saturday night was spent in the company of the gorgeous Daniel Craig, as we drooled over Casino Royale. Wow, I just lurve Bond.
Then yesterday we chilled out, nipped to Curry's to get a new kettle, and then spent most of the day either in the garden or laid on the sofas.
After feeding Jo up on her favourite food for lunch, she set off back to Bath.
And that's where I wish it wasn't so far.
Miss you already mate, but thanks for coming up and cheering me up BIG TIME!

Farewell Happy Mood

Yep, it's gone. Out the door quicker than Jack Flash. And all because there are people out there who think they can treat you badly. I am not even bothered about the reason for the nastiness, just astounded at how people can be so SPINELESS!
I had an experience on a similar line last year, when someone was hugely nasty to me over something very small. Ended up with lots of nasty rumours being circulated about me which were most definitely not true. But then after Nigel died, into my email inbox popped a message saying how sorry they were and how much they missed our friendship.
So sorry that they never got in touch again. Like, er, whatever. I don't have time in my life for shallow, spineless people. If people make the effort for me, I will return the effort. Gone are the days when I do the running after friends. They are not true friends if they will leave me in the lurch, are they?
Oh well, back to the drawing board, no skin off my nose, so to speak.

Clean bill of health

Having slept from 4.45pm yesterday on and off, I felt much better today, but still hugely tired. I went to see my GP this morning, and was given a clean bill of health. I had some blood taken, and she reassured me that the Lighterlife diet had nothing to do with the faint. She said it is so well balanced nutritionally that I am better off than most people who eat normal food. She also said that I should continue with the diet to get to a healthy weight, as being overweight does carry so many health risks.
So I went and had a chat with my LL counsellor, and it was great to talk things through. As I missed my last weigh in because I was in London, I jumped on the scales for an informal weigh in, and I have now lost 5 stone 4 pounds!!! That leaves me within grasping distance of my target weight, which is just fantastic!
No work again tomorrow to help me feel better, plus I have an ENT appointment at the LGI. Might just have to fit in some retail therapy as so many of my clothes don't fit....

Paramedics R Us

Strange day today.
I had a bad headache when I got up and so took some paracetamol. During the day the temperature in my classroom rose and rose, and when the children went into assembly it peaked at 28 degrees. I was starting to feel really odd, and so sent my TA to get a first aider. When she was out I collapsed, and when someone came back I was laid out on the floor.
It took 25 minutes apparently to bring me round. When the paramedics arrived, they brought me round, sat me up and rang a full set of tests. My blood sugar was a bit low, but everything else was fine. The move to hospital was at my discretion, and so I decided to go home and rest.
I am booked in at the docs in the morning, so the wisdom tooth extraction is off for now. And now it's time to sleep.

The weekend is over...

phew.
Been a busy one but I have felt very very happy with my lot this weekend. The girls have enjoyed playing in the garden, and I managed to get a night out in last night. It was so great to go out and relax, and also enjoy adult conversation for a change!
Still very tired, but that seems to be my remitt just now. I am going into hospital on Tuesday to have a crumbled wisdom tooth removed under general anaesthetic. I hate going to the dentist, and decided that having a general was a good way to avoid all the tugging and crunching which this will involve. Plus I get to sleep lots to get over the anaesthetic!
So wish me well please, and I will gladly pass on some of my happy mood.

Attention....

Well my weight loss is bringing me something new.... attention from men! Something I am definitely not used to. Not that I am looking for someone new, but is is flattering when men attempt to chat you up!

London was interesting... the trip did not run as smoothly this time due to errors made by the tour operator. We very nearly did not have tickets to see the Lion King, but fortunately it was rectified. The coach was a nightmare, never has it taken so long to do the journey we made. Nightmare. The kids enjoyed it tho!

I am so very tired, time to sleep. No crafting of course, but soon I hope.

Weekend Whirlwind

Started well with a visit from Becky, the mobile beautician. I had a pedicure, then while Lynne and Collette had theirs done I started on a Lippy Chick Flap book. Gorgeous to work with.

Saturday was both good and bad. We went down to Sheffield to my friend Claire's house. I went to a virgin vie party while Sophie went to the park with Claire's daughter and husband amongst others. Alex sat on my knee and grizzled as she is poorly.

I enjoyed the afternoon very much, but it did point out to me once again how much my girls are missing out on. I felt sad that Sophie wasn't going to the park with her daddy. It was hard because Alex was poorly, and I feel so alone when either of the girls is like that.

Today I went over to a WAY coffee morning at Sharon's house. Met lots of other members. The girls played with the other children, although Alex was still grumpy. Now my parents are here as I am off to London with year 5 on Tuesday.

Enough for now.

A Million Times

You never said I'm leaving
You never said good-bye
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knew why

A million times we've needed you,
A million times we've cried.
If love alone could've saved you,
You never would have died.

In life we loved you dearly,
In death we love you still.
In our hearts you hold a place,
No one else will ever fill.

It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you didn't go alone.
Part of us went with you,
The day God took you home.

Author unknown

Low Point Reached

Today was a bad day. A truly bad day.

This week at school has been Science Week. Today a theatre company arrived to perform a show about cholesterol and healthy eating to the children. The staff were seated around the edge of the hall.

All was going well until the storyline shifted to how if you eat an unhealthy diet and don't exercise, you WILL have a heart attack. The actors went on to explain what happens when you have a heart attack.

At this point I started to feel physically sick. Very sick. SO hideous I had to leave the hall. My headteacher had realised how much the performance was upsetting me, and told me to leave if I needed to. I think if I had stayed for the full explanation, I would have been sick in the hall.

Was it really necessary for this performance to include details of what happens to you when you have a heart attack? The children in the hall were between 5 and 11 years old. I know the 'in' thing is healthy eating and all that, but is it not a little extreme to give an explanation, albeit a fun one, of what happens when you have a heart attack?

I have felt quite ill for the rest of today. Not a good day at all.

From foundation to development

That's the first part of Lighterlife complete. I have finished foundation and now I move into development. More of the same, but I can go into management when I get to the weight I want to be. I don't feel worried about starting to reintroduce food when I get to management, I see it more as making sure I make the right choices and keep myself healthy for my girls. 2 stone 9 pounds to get to the weight I want to be....

Had the parents' meeting tonight for the Year 5 London visit, all went fairly smoothly. I am so excited to be seeing the Lion King again. It will be strange to leave the girls with my parents. Last year I left them with Nigel, his first and last time alone with them overnight.

The monumental masons are going to sort the headstone. I just hope no-one pushes it over before it is done.

Wibble Wobble

Nigel's headstone is wobbling. I can't believe it is like that already. Time to get in touch with Robson and Ellis tomorrow and get it sorted.

Life is hectic again, back to work tomorrow. I have really enjoyed these days at home with the girls. Sometimes I want to scream as it is mad, but mostly it has been good. I have spent time gardening and actually started to enjoy it. How bizarre.

Anyway, onwards and upwards. Only 6 weeks til half term....

Stairway to heaven....

The staircase up to the loft is in and it is looking fantastic. All of a sudden it seems to have come on an awful lot, which is great. I am hoping the windows will go in soon, then the loft will be much lighter.

It is good to be home again. I enjoyed our stay in Ireland very much, and Cliona was a fantastic host. But I am a homebird so coming home always feels good. On the way to Galway on Tuesday we stopped off in Knock, an important shrine to catholics. WHen Nigel died, a friend in Ireland sent a card to say that mass had been said for him there. As a non catholic, I didn't even know this was what happened when someone died. Nigel had mass said for him in 4 if not 5 churches, in Ireland and here in England.

I've also been gardening. The girls played out there this afternoon, along with Mike and Mary's grandsons, and so I tackled a bit of digging, with Mary's guidance. I want to plant an apple tree in the garden soon. I am undecided about a plaque, as the tree would be a memory tree for Nigel.

Time to sleep. Tomorrow will be busy, loads to do and so little time.

Important Dates all round...

Today would have been Nigel's dad Sydney's birthday. He died nearly 15 years ago so I never met him, and of course he never met the girls either.

And then of course tomorrow it is the 10th of the month. Which means another month has passed since Nigel died. Again I can't believe time has passed so quickly again. 8 whole months.

My aim is to have got through all the big changes in my life by the time the first anniversary arrives. So I want the redecoration of the house done, the loft, rooms moved round and all that. I essentially want to start from 10th August 2007 as a fresh approach. I am certainly aiming to be at target weight wise, and into management, where foods are reintroduced one by one. Then it will be a good time for the girls and I to continue as a family of three, enjoying so many things together.

I am going on now... apologies if I am boring you.

There has been one question at the front of my mind over Easter. Why did it have to be Nigel? I know there is no logic. No reason. Nothing that he or I did. I don't feel angry about the fact that he is gone, just deeply saddened that I am now bringing up our daughters without their father.

When we got married, it was until death do us part; I just never realised we would part so soon.

Greetings from the Emerald Isle!

Well we made it through passport control without any need for a passport for either girl, which was great! The flight from Leeds to Galway was smooth, and the building at Galway made Leeds look like Gatwick in comparison. They didn't even look at my passport as I came into Ireland.

It was very odd to be back at Leeds as the last time was when we were on our way to Portugal (in departures anyway). As usual we went straight up to the play area on the first floor, which choked me at first. I could almost picture how it was last time, when we had no idea of what lay ahead in a matter of days. It was a Sunday afternoon, and we had been to Burger King for lunch before being dropped at the airport by Mike and Mary. While the girls played, Nigel and I drank coffee and chatted about what we wanted to do once we were on holiday.

None of the plans came off, as we had planned to go to Slide and Splash on the Thursday once mum and dad had arrived and settled in. We were also going to go out, just the two of us, for a meal on the Saturday night, as we hadn't made it out on our wedding anniversary the previous week.

The one thing we did do was go to Casa da Rio, our favourite restaruant in Alvor, on the evening before Nigel died. There we shared a cataplana, a traditional algarvian dish of seafood, local sausages and tomatoes. At least Nigel's last meal was his favourite dish.

Anyway, not too many sad moments for now. We are having fun here at Cliona's, and the weather is superb. Will try and check in again soon. Sign in and say hello if you are reading...

Will we or won't we?

Later today we are due to go to Ireland to visit my friend Cliona. The trip may well be off as I have made a boo boo. Sophie's passport has expired. Different sources say different things about whether or not she needs a passport to travel.
I am going to risk it. Please keep your fingers crossed for me and the girls.

How You Can Help Me

This was published in the WAY newsletter in February. It explains things so well.


Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more
comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk
about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get
comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know
when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You
can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid
to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I
most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come
over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You
can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you
to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I
feel only if you really have time to find out.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel
that you don't see me.

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm
grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after
my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For
I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was
with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our
children grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the
hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled
and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my
loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and
love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be,
and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear.
Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has
happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just
not acceptable.

When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and
alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't
make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.

Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start
dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides,
what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes
after will always be someone different.

I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get
on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on
many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think
it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So
please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and
support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget
and there will always be times that I cry.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your
hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need
to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in
my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you
because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could
do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you
some ideas:

(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the
anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't
make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the
opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach
out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I
may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me
because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up
then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples,
to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the
same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely.
Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel
deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm
experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't
be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to
slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't
tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my
life. What I need now is time to grieve.

Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank
you for praying for me.

And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need
me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be
with you.